A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?
The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.”
the pirate said…
“It was my first day with the hook.”
Category Archives: Quickie
Dear Blank, please blank
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco…
Sincerely, United States.
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985.
Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson.
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic.
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic.
Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…
Sincerely, Google.
Dear High School Boys,
Your penis is not like Pinocchio’s nose – it doesn’t get longer every time you lie about its size.
Sincerely, Reality.
Dear Dumbasses,
Please pull your damn pants up. This style should have died when it started in 1993. Get a job too.
Sincerely, Taxpayer tired of supporting you and your stupid 5 illegitimate children.
I found these at dearblankpleaseblank.com. There are many more so check it out!
Calories burned during sex
The new year always brings many resolutions. Many of these resolutions include more exercise and losing weight. If this is your goal, hopefully the following information will assist you. But remember, if you don’t have a partner, you don’t need to worry because there are other options out there for you. For example, a custom sex doll if you should wish to invest in one.
The Act of Insertion
| If the man is ready (same vice-versa) |
1/4 calories |
| If the woman is not (same vice-versa) |
274 calories |
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
| Normal size |
22 calories |
| Oversize |
15 calories |
| Tremendous |
8 calories |
| Teensy-weensy |
163 calories |
Positions
| Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) |
20 calories |
| Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) |
25 calories |
| From the rear (Mysterious variation) |
40 1/2 calories |
| Standing: Both partners of equal height |
18 calories |
| Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man |
90 calories |
| While in traction (very useful during ski season) |
124 calories |
Locations
| On a bar stool |
20 calories |
| Rear of a Honda Civic |
38 calories |
| In a phone booth, standing |
14 calories |
| In a phone booth, lying down |
274 calories |
| On an airliner, aisle seat |
24 calories |
| On an airliner, middle seat |
42 calories |
| On an airliner, window seat |
30 calories |
| On an airliner, in the lavatory |
100 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
| Bouncing |
7 calories |
| Sliding around |
9 calories |
| Serious Skidding |
12 calories |
| Full cartwheel |
20 calories |
| Whiplash |
27 calories |
| Knee burn |
6 calories |
| Chafed elbows |
5 calories |
| Chafed nose |
11 calories |
Sex Related Noises
| Short gasps (per gasp) |
3 calories |
| Wheezing |
5 calories |
| Squeals |
4 calories |
| Ecstatic moaning |
11 calories |
| Low growling |
8 calories |
| Squishing |
10 calories |
| Shouting |
16 calories |
| Screaming |
18 calories |
| Urgent begging |
22 calories |
| Any short speech giving partner directions (“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.) |
25 calories |
Approaching Orgasm
| Letting go |
5.5 calories |
| Controlling yourself |
79 calories |
| Digging nails into your partner’s back |
11 calories |
| Trembling |
15 calories |
| Shaking |
20 calories |
| Shuddering |
25 calories |
| Trying to keep eyes open |
33 calories |
Orgasm
| Real |
27 calories |
| Faked |
160 calories |
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
| Expression didn’t change |
1/2 calorie |
| Face turned purple |
15 calories |
| Orchestra swelled |
6 calories |
| Magical explosions |
10 calories |
| Blazing Sheets |
25 calories |
| Earth moved |
30 calories |
| Vesuvius erupted |
47 calories |
| You began moaning in Latin |
60 calories |
Pulling Out
| After orgasm |
1/4 calorie |
| A few moments before orgasm |
500 calories |
Multiple Orgasms
For women:
| 2 |
14 calories |
| 5 |
30 calories |
| 8 |
47 calories |
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. Of course this could be a lot more if the positionings are correct, there’s been more calories burned and orgasms achieved when the female is strapped into a sex swing, providing the male was to choose a secure location to attach to. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
| 2 |
21 calories |
| 3 |
39 calories |
| 4 |
57 calories |
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)
Special Orgasms
| Clitoral |
15 calories |
| Vaginal |
21 calories |
| Penile |
21 calories |
| Scrotile |
15 calories |
| Rectal |
25 calories |
| Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) |
30 calories |
Premature Ejaculation*
| During insertion |
2 calories |
| During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) |
5 calories |
| During foreplay |
3 calories |
| Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) |
4 calories |
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv. It is thus advisable to consult a doctor for your condition, or scourge through online pharmacies like Menschem to buy sildenafil online, and attempt to treat it. Because, your partner’s pleasure does matter as much as yours!
For Women
| Frustration |
8 calories |
| Anger |
15 calories |
| Violent mood swing |
20 calories |
| Surpressing rage |
25 calories |
| Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.) |
65 calories |
For Men:
| Cursing |
10 calories |
| Apologising |
3 calories |
| Snivelling |
5 calories |
| Pleading for mercy |
8 calories |
| Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) |
15 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
| Swooning |
6 calories |
| Palpitations |
10 calories |
| Shortness of breath |
5 calories |
| Perspiring |
8 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
| A less-than-sunny desposition |
1 calorie |
Recovering
| Un-entwining |
3 calories |
| Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) |
7 calories |
| Standing up |
9 calories |
| Getting some juice |
11 calories |
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
| After intercourse (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.) |
18 calories |
| During intercourse (Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) |
32 calories |
| During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) |
12 calories |
| Avoiding the wet spot |
80 calories |
Trying Again
| If the woman is ready |
5 calories |
| If the man is not |
156 calories |
Dreaming
| Regular dream |
2 calories |
| Wet Dream Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices |
16 calories |
| Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) |
20 calories |
Group Sex
| Introducing yourself |
3 calories |
| Overcoming shyness |
8 calories |
| Swapping partners, willingly |
4 calories |
| Swapping partners, unwillingly |
62 calories |
| Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) |
16 calories |
| Mixed doubles |
26 calories |
| Being nice to everyone |
100 calories |
| Anger (You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) |
10 calories |
| Finding your clothes |
5 calories |
Masturbation
|
For pleasure only |
6 calories |
| For exercise, too |
10 calories |
| For relief from tension |
12 calories |
| To pass the time |
7 calories |
| To avoid overeating |
16 calories |
| To get in touch with inner self |
10 calories |
| To get in touch with outter self |
10.5 calories |
| To avoid insanity |
24 calories |
| To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) |
9 calories |
| Using your hand(s) |
11 calories |
| Using your finger(s) |
9 calories |
| Using tweezers |
2 calories |
| Using an inflatable doll |
24 calories |
| Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) |
19 calories |
| Using a vibrator, hand-operated |
12 calories |
| Using a vibrator, windup |
9 calories |
| Using a vibrator, electric |
5 calories |
| Using anything not mentioned here |
50 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket |
2.5 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – finding isolated seat |
78 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat |
3 calories |
Typical Sex-Related Fears
| Partner hates me for what I did |
4 calories |
| Partner hates me for what I didn’t do |
8 calories |
| Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual |
10 calories |
| Climaxing too soon |
5 calories |
| Climaxing too late |
6 calories |
| Not climaxing |
20 calories |
| Partner thinks of me as a sex object |
9 calories |
| Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object |
47 calories |
| Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm |
88 calories |
Personal Fears
| Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm |
6 calories |
| Stretch marks that look like a plowed field |
8 calories |
| Penis envy |
72 calories |
| Body odor of a disgruntled yak |
25 calories |
Getting Caught
| By partner’s spouse |
60 calories |
| By your spouse |
60.5 calories |
| Trying to explain |
165 calories |
| Stuttering |
28 calories |
| Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) |
40 calories |
Almost Getting Caught
| Trying to remain calm |
100 calories |
| Fright (includes trembling) |
66 calories |
| Leaping out of bed |
25 calories |
| Getting dressed in one large motion |
300 calories |
| Thanking partner quickly |
2 calories |
| Jumping out of window (add 5 calories if window wasn’t open) |
15 calories |
| Landing |
1 calorie |
| Running very fast |
50 calories |
I found this at Off-Color Humor
Those “I” things
For my son’s Birthday, we bought him an iPod.
For my daughter’s birthday, she got an iPhone
and for my birthday I was pleased to receive an iPad.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon – and then the fight started….
Irish logic
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
Irving the Jewish Dog
Morty visits the veterinarian in Boca Raton and says, “My dog has a problem.”
The doctor replies, “So tell me about the dog’s problem.”
“First you should know, he’s a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,” says Morty.
“He can talk?”, the doubtful doctor asks.
“Watch this!” Morty points to the dog and commands: “Irving, Fetch!”
Irving, the dog, begins to walk towards the door, then turns around and demands, “So why are you talking to me like that? You order me around like I’m nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it’s out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn’t kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!”
The Doctor is amazed. “This is remarkable! What could be the problem?”
Morty says, “Obviously, he has a hearing problem! I said ‘Fetch,’ not Kvetch.”
Bass Pro Shop
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ‘Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?’ He says, ‘Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.’
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ‘That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20..00.
She says, ‘It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I’ll take it!’ As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
‘Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,’ he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says,
‘That’ll be $34.50 please.’
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,’Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?’
He replies, ‘Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50
Sweet Tea
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!”
Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?”
A chance to offend almost everyone
I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’. I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power’
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn’t mean what I thought it did.
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, “sorry about the wait”. I said, “don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually”.
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that”.
Top Tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation for casual sex … wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them … here’s how it goes “Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?”
Years ago it was suggested “that an apple a day kept the doctor away” … but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works
best!
I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Mexicans” was not the correct answer.
A damn fine explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
And the husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
“I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
“So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
“Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
“Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
“I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
“I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?'”
Thank you to TheJoker for sending me this quickie joke!