Jan 222011
 

A Chicago family of pro football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a Green Bay Packers #12 jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Packer fan and I would like this for Christmas.” His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go talk with mom.”

Off goes the little lad with the Green Bay Packer jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Aaron Rodger’s jersey for Christmas.” The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go see your father.”

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Jan 012011
 

The new year always brings many resolutions. Many of these resolutions include more exercise and losing weight. If this is your goal, hopefully the following information will assist you.

 

The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa)

1/4 calories

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Dec 262010
 
  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.  
  2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 
  3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  5. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
  6. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  7. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  10. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  11. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
  12. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
  13. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  14. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  16. You have a rag for a gas cap.
  17. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  18. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
  19. You can spit without opening your mouth.
  20. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  21. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  22. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
  23. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  24. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  25. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  26. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
  27. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
  28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
  29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Nov 182010
 

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

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Nov 022010
 

I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’. I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power’


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn’t mean what I thought it did.


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Sep 212010
 

This series of images was so funny, I had to reproduce them all here.  I found this at Don’t Panic so I am sorry to them that I took their whole post. Go visit them and see more funny stuff.

The hilarious part of these images (aside that it is just plain funny) is that if he was only half as fat, the girls wouldn’t have looked at him at all! There is an advantage to being super-obese.

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Aug 262010
 

Some new golf terms to use when you’re out on the course…

A ‘Rock Hudson’ – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t.

A ‘Saddam Hussein’ – from one bunker into another.

A ‘Yasser Arafat’ – butt ugly and in the sand.

A ‘John Kennedy Jr.’ – didn’t quite make it over the water.

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Jul 142010
 

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Carmen,” she replied.

“That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”

“Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”

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Jun 052010
 

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity. “

Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?”  Continue reading »