Jan 012011
 

The new year always brings many resolutions. Many of these resolutions include more exercise and losing weight. If this is your goal, hopefully the following information will assist you.

 

The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa)

1/4 calories

If the woman is not (same vice-versa)

274 calories


Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size

22 calories

Oversize

15 calories

Tremendous

8 calories

Teensy-weensy

163 calories


Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)

20 calories

Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.)

25 calories

From the rear (Mysterious variation)

40 1/2 calories

Standing: Both partners of equal height

18 calories

Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man

90 calories

While in traction
(very useful during ski season)

124 calories


Locations

On a bar stool

20 calories

Rear of a Honda Civic

38 calories

In a booth, standing

14 calories

In a phone booth, lying down

274 calories

On an airliner, aisle seat

24 calories

On an airliner, middle seat

42 calories

On an airliner, window seat

30 calories

On an airliner, in the lavatory

100 calories


Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing

7 calories

Sliding around

9 calories

Serious Skidding

12 calories

Full cartwheel

20 calories

Whiplash

27 calories

Knee burn

6 calories

Chafed elbows

5 calories

Chafed nose

11 calories


Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp)

3 calories

Wheezing

5 calories

Squeals

4 calories

Ecstatic moaning

11 calories

Low growling

8 calories

Squishing

10 calories

Shouting

16 calories

Screaming

18 calories

Urgent begging

22 calories

Any short speech giving partner directions
("Please don’t stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.)

25 calories


Approaching Orgasm

Letting go

5.5 calories

Controlling yourself

79 calories

Digging nails into your partner’s back

11 calories

Trembling

15 calories

Shaking

20 calories

Shuddering

25 calories

Trying to keep eyes open

33 calories


Orgasm
Real

27 calories

Faked

160 calories


Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn’t change

1/2 calorie

Face turned purple

15 calories

Orchestra swelled

6 calories

Magical explosions

10 calories

Blazing Sheets

25 calories

moved

30 calories

Vesuvius erupted

47 calories

You began moaning in Latin

60 calories


Pulling Out

After orgasm

1/4 calorie

A few moments before orgasm

500 calories


Multiple Orgasms

For women:

2

14 calories

5

30 calories

8

47 calories

(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her . As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)

For Men:

2

21 calories

3

39 calories

4

57 calories

(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)


Special Orgasms

Clitoral

15 calories

Vaginal

21 calories

Penile

21 calories

Scrotile

15 calories

Rectal

25 calories

Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal)

30 calories


Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion

2 calories

During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.)

5 calories

During foreplay

3 calories

Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.)

4 calories


Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to the football on tv.

For Women

Frustration

8 calories

Anger

15 calories

Violent mood swing

20 calories

Surpressing rage

25 calories

Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.)

65 calories

For Men:

Cursing

10 calories

Apologising

3 calories

Snivelling

5 calories

Pleading for mercy

8 calories

Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.)

15 calories


Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning

6 calories

Palpitations

10 calories

Shortness of breath

5 calories

Perspiring

8 calories


Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny desposition

1 calorie


Recovering

Un-entwining

3 calories

Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.)

7 calories

Standing up

9 calories

Getting some juice

11 calories


Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.)

18 calories

During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.)

32 calories

During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.)

12 calories

Avoiding the

80 calories


Trying Again

If the woman is ready

5 calories

If the man is not

156 calories


Dreaming

Regular dream

2 calories

Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices

16 calories

Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.)

20 calories


Group Sex

Introducing yourself

3 calories

Overcoming shyness

8 calories

Swapping partners, willingly

4 calories

Swapping partners, unwillingly

62 calories

Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are)

16 calories

Mixed doubles

26 calories

Being nice to everyone

100 calories

Anger
(You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.)

10 calories

Finding your clothes

5 calories


Masturbation

For pleasure only

6 calories

For exercise, too

10 calories

For relief from tension

12 calories

To pass the time

7 calories

To avoid overeating

16 calories

To get in touch with inner self

10 calories

To get in touch with outter self

10.5 calories

To avoid insanity

24 calories

To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.)

9 calories

Using your hand(s)

11 calories

Using your finger(s)

9 calories

Using tweezers

2 calories

Using an inflatable doll

24 calories

Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley)

19 calories

Using a vibrator, hand-operated

12 calories

Using a vibrator, windup

9 calories

Using a vibrator, electric

5 calories

Using anything not mentioned here

50 calories

In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket

2.5 calories

In a pornographic movie theater – finding isolated seat

78 calories

In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat

3 calories


Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did

4 calories

Partner hates me for what I didn’t do

8 calories

Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual

10 calories

Climaxing too soon

5 calories

Climaxing too late

6 calories

Not climaxing

20 calories

Partner thinks of me as a sex object

9 calories

Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object

47 calories

Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm

88 calories


Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm

6 calories

Stretch marks that look like a plowed field

8 calories

Penis envy

72 calories

Body odor of a disgruntled yak

25 calories


Getting Caught

By partner’s spouse

60 calories

By your spouse

60.5 calories

Trying to explain

165 calories

Stuttering

28 calories

Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed)

40 calories


Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm

100 calories

Fright (includes trembling)

66 calories

Leaping out of bed

25 calories

Getting dressed in one large motion

300 calories

Thanking partner quickly

2 calories

Jumping out of window
(add 5 calories if window wasn’t open)

15 calories

Landing

1 calorie

Running very fast

50 calories


I found this at Off-Color Humor

  One Response to “Calories burned during sex”

  1. […] Incorrect Humor" Appropriate for adults, although no pictures are provided . . . http://www.politically-incorrect-hum…ed-during-sex/ OMG __________________ MILES TREKKED THIS WEEK: 40.2 EVERY POUND YOU LOSE = 4 STICKS OF […]

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