A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What’s the definition of ‘Macho’?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?
A. About three inches.
Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q: What’s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What’s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch!
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.
| AMEN | The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. |
| BULLETIN | Your receipt for attending Mass. |
| CHOIR | A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. |
| HOLY WATER | A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. |
| HYMN | A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range. |
| INCENSE | Holy Smoke! |
| JESUITS | An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. |
| JONAH | The original ‘Jaws’ story. |
| JUSTICE | When kids have kids of their own. |
| KYRIE ELEISON |
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics it means “Lord have mercy”.) |
| MAGI | The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. |
| MANGER | Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey. |
| PEW | A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. |
| PROCESSION | The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. |
| RECESSIONAL | The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. |
| RECESSIONAL HYMN | The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. |
| RELICS | People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. |
| STABLE | Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.) |
| TEN COMMANDMENTS | The most important Top Ten list not presented by David Letterman. |
| USHER | The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew. |
