The new year always brings many resolutions. Many of these resolutions include more exercise and losing weight. If this is your goal, hopefully the following information will assist you. But remember, if you don’t have a partner, you don’t need to worry because there are other options out there for you. For example, a custom sex doll if you should wish to invest in one.
The Act of Insertion
| If the man is ready (same vice-versa) |
1/4 calories |
| If the woman is not (same vice-versa) |
274 calories |
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
| Normal size |
22 calories |
| Oversize |
15 calories |
| Tremendous |
8 calories |
| Teensy-weensy |
163 calories |
Positions
| Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) |
20 calories |
| Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) |
25 calories |
| From the rear (Mysterious variation) |
40 1/2 calories |
| Standing: Both partners of equal height |
18 calories |
| Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man |
90 calories |
| While in traction (very useful during ski season) |
124 calories |
Locations
| On a bar stool |
20 calories |
| Rear of a Honda Civic |
38 calories |
| In a phone booth, standing |
14 calories |
| In a phone booth, lying down |
274 calories |
| On an airliner, aisle seat |
24 calories |
| On an airliner, middle seat |
42 calories |
| On an airliner, window seat |
30 calories |
| On an airliner, in the lavatory |
100 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
| Bouncing |
7 calories |
| Sliding around |
9 calories |
| Serious Skidding |
12 calories |
| Full cartwheel |
20 calories |
| Whiplash |
27 calories |
| Knee burn |
6 calories |
| Chafed elbows |
5 calories |
| Chafed nose |
11 calories |
Sex Related Noises
| Short gasps (per gasp) |
3 calories |
| Wheezing |
5 calories |
| Squeals |
4 calories |
| Ecstatic moaning |
11 calories |
| Low growling |
8 calories |
| Squishing |
10 calories |
| Shouting |
16 calories |
| Screaming |
18 calories |
| Urgent begging |
22 calories |
| Any short speech giving partner directions (“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.) |
25 calories |
Approaching Orgasm
| Letting go |
5.5 calories |
| Controlling yourself |
79 calories |
| Digging nails into your partner’s back |
11 calories |
| Trembling |
15 calories |
| Shaking |
20 calories |
| Shuddering |
25 calories |
| Trying to keep eyes open |
33 calories |
Orgasm
| Real |
27 calories |
| Faked |
160 calories |
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
| Expression didn’t change |
1/2 calorie |
| Face turned purple |
15 calories |
| Orchestra swelled |
6 calories |
| Magical explosions |
10 calories |
| Blazing Sheets |
25 calories |
| Earth moved |
30 calories |
| Vesuvius erupted |
47 calories |
| You began moaning in Latin |
60 calories |
Pulling Out
| After orgasm |
1/4 calorie |
| A few moments before orgasm |
500 calories |
Multiple Orgasms
For women:
| 2 |
14 calories |
| 5 |
30 calories |
| 8 |
47 calories |
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. Of course this could be a lot more if the positionings are correct, there’s been more calories burned and orgasms achieved when the female is strapped into a sex swing, providing the male was to choose a secure location to attach to. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
| 2 |
21 calories |
| 3 |
39 calories |
| 4 |
57 calories |
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)
Special Orgasms
| Clitoral |
15 calories |
| Vaginal |
21 calories |
| Penile |
21 calories |
| Scrotile |
15 calories |
| Rectal |
25 calories |
| Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) |
30 calories |
Premature Ejaculation*
| During insertion |
2 calories |
| During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) |
5 calories |
| During foreplay |
3 calories |
| Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) |
4 calories |
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv. It is thus advisable to consult a doctor for your condition, or scourge through online pharmacies like Menschem to buy sildenafil online, and attempt to treat it. Because, your partner’s pleasure does matter as much as yours!
For Women
| Frustration |
8 calories |
| Anger |
15 calories |
| Violent mood swing |
20 calories |
| Surpressing rage |
25 calories |
| Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.) |
65 calories |
For Men:
| Cursing |
10 calories |
| Apologising |
3 calories |
| Snivelling |
5 calories |
| Pleading for mercy |
8 calories |
| Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) |
15 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
| Swooning |
6 calories |
| Palpitations |
10 calories |
| Shortness of breath |
5 calories |
| Perspiring |
8 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
| A less-than-sunny desposition |
1 calorie |
Recovering
| Un-entwining |
3 calories |
| Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) |
7 calories |
| Standing up |
9 calories |
| Getting some juice |
11 calories |
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
| After intercourse (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.) |
18 calories |
| During intercourse (Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) |
32 calories |
| During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) |
12 calories |
| Avoiding the wet spot |
80 calories |
Trying Again
| If the woman is ready |
5 calories |
| If the man is not |
156 calories |
Dreaming
| Regular dream |
2 calories |
| Wet Dream Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices |
16 calories |
| Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) |
20 calories |
Group Sex
| Introducing yourself |
3 calories |
| Overcoming shyness |
8 calories |
| Swapping partners, willingly |
4 calories |
| Swapping partners, unwillingly |
62 calories |
| Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) |
16 calories |
| Mixed doubles |
26 calories |
| Being nice to everyone |
100 calories |
| Anger (You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) |
10 calories |
| Finding your clothes |
5 calories |
Masturbation
|
For pleasure only |
6 calories |
| For exercise, too |
10 calories |
| For relief from tension |
12 calories |
| To pass the time |
7 calories |
| To avoid overeating |
16 calories |
| To get in touch with inner self |
10 calories |
| To get in touch with outter self |
10.5 calories |
| To avoid insanity |
24 calories |
| To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) |
9 calories |
| Using your hand(s) |
11 calories |
| Using your finger(s) |
9 calories |
| Using tweezers |
2 calories |
| Using an inflatable doll |
24 calories |
| Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) |
19 calories |
| Using a vibrator, hand-operated |
12 calories |
| Using a vibrator, windup |
9 calories |
| Using a vibrator, electric |
5 calories |
| Using anything not mentioned here |
50 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket |
2.5 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – finding isolated seat |
78 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat |
3 calories |
Typical Sex-Related Fears
| Partner hates me for what I did |
4 calories |
| Partner hates me for what I didn’t do |
8 calories |
| Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual |
10 calories |
| Climaxing too soon |
5 calories |
| Climaxing too late |
6 calories |
| Not climaxing |
20 calories |
| Partner thinks of me as a sex object |
9 calories |
| Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object |
47 calories |
| Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm |
88 calories |
Personal Fears
| Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm |
6 calories |
| Stretch marks that look like a plowed field |
8 calories |
| Penis envy |
72 calories |
| Body odor of a disgruntled yak |
25 calories |
Getting Caught
| By partner’s spouse |
60 calories |
| By your spouse |
60.5 calories |
| Trying to explain |
165 calories |
| Stuttering |
28 calories |
| Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) |
40 calories |
Almost Getting Caught
| Trying to remain calm |
100 calories |
| Fright (includes trembling) |
66 calories |
| Leaping out of bed |
25 calories |
| Getting dressed in one large motion |
300 calories |
| Thanking partner quickly |
2 calories |
| Jumping out of window (add 5 calories if window wasn’t open) |
15 calories |
| Landing |
1 calorie |
| Running very fast |
50 calories |
I found this at Off-Color Humor