Tag Archives: girl

A chance to offend almost everyone

I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’. I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power’


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn’t mean what I thought it did.


A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, “sorry about the wait”. I said, “don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually”.


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that”.


Top Tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation for casual sex … wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them … here’s how it goes “Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?”


Years ago it was suggested “that an apple a day kept the doctor away” … but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works
best!


I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Mexicans” was not the correct answer.

The advantage to being obese

This series of images was so funny, I had to reproduce them all here.  I found this at Don’t Panic so I am sorry to them that I took their whole post. Go visit them and see more funny stuff.

The hilarious part of these images (aside that it is just plain funny) is that if he was only half as fat, the girls wouldn’t have looked at him at all! There is an advantage to being super-obese.

Continue reading The advantage to being obese

Adult Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What’s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q What’s the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What’s the definition of ‘Macho’?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it’s worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.


Q What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q.What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?

A. About three inches.


Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It’s not hard.


Q: What’s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.


Q: What’s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch!

A Jewish Story

An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath: two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000.00 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000.00 bank account.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?

The mother, who has remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and says, “You’ll fuck her again!”