Why do girls get all bent out shape when a man asks for a sandwich? When my woman says “Fix my car” or “Fix my computer” I don’t claim it’s sexist. I fix her stuff because I’m good at it. She is good at making sandwiches. Next time she asks me to fix her shit, I’m going to act offended and say, “Fix your own shit!” Let’s see who is more hurt, me without a sandwich or her without a car!
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Kentucky. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night–flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.
At last when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
Your car is Japanese.
Your Vodka is Russian.
Your pizza is Italian.
Your kebab is Turkish.
Your democracy is Greek.
Your coffee is Brazilian.
Your movies are American.
Your Beers are German.
Your shirt is Indian.
Your oil is Saudi Arabian.
Your electronics are Chinese.
A police officer stops a man on the highway. The man says “Did you stop me for speeding?”
The officer replies “Yes, I stopped you for speeding”
The man replies “Well I have a gun in my glove compartment, and have a dead body in my trunk”
The officer pulls back and calls for back up and waits. Minute’s later back up arrives. The second officer says “My partner says you had a dead body in the trunk and a gun is the glove compartment.”