- Mexican tap water
- A porcupine with a “pet me” sign
- Bill Clinton, with my teenage daughter
- A fart while fighting the flu
- An elevator ride with Ray Rice
- Taking pills or a drink offered by Bill Cosby
- A Bigfoot sighting
- A Hillary Clinton war story reported by Brian Williams
- Gas station sushi
- Jimmy Carter, with the economy or military strategy
- A Palestinian on a motorcycle
- Pete Carroll coaching decisions
- Eating an apple from an orchard at Fukushima reactor #4
- Hitching a ride from a guy in a goalie mask
- The ingredients in a hotdog
- Nancy Pelosi’s grip on reality
- Black Ice
- Jerry Sandusky as a Boy Scout leader
- Alien abduction stories
- Barney Frank in the shower asking you to pick up the bar of soap
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
A born salesman Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty.
Ole’s first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole’s sales pitch. Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
“If you haf da normal GI insurans an’ yoo go to Afghanistan an’ get yourself kilt, da governmen’ pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t’irty dollars a munt , den da governmen’ got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000!”
She said “It’s President’s Day!”
Brilliant in its simplicity…
- Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
- Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
- Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very
attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all
of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.