Follow me on Twitter A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
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Tags: bride, groom, lawyer, salesman, virginEntering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour’s instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.
She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new “Bitching Betty.” However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.
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Tags: homosexual, MarinesA cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’
She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’
‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’
She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’
The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’
‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you crying?’ Continue reading »
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Tags: cab, cabbie, nunA while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.
I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne .
I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”
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Tags: blow job, champagne, dating, lobsterWhat’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you really means…..
- Darling — Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.
- Dear — Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
- Sweetheart — If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
- Babe — Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
- Baby doll — This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.
- Princess — Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
- Sexy — Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
My girlfriend — He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name! - The wife — If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
- My other half — You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
- The missus — See The Wife.
- My partner — He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
- My significant other — He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
- She who must be obeyed — He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.
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Tags: men, womenJack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I’m recently widowed," she explained, "and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
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Tags: farm, widow
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs … enough times ‘til her husband says… "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
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Tags: panties
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life…..
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
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Tags: Blonde, death, Heaven, hell, kegThe instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room, "and gentlemen, remember – you’re in this together —it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her."
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Tags: golf