- Mexican tap water
- A porcupine with a “pet me” sign
- Bill Clinton, with my teenage daughter
- A fart while fighting the flu
- An elevator ride with Ray Rice
- Taking pills or a drink offered by Bill Cosby
- A Bigfoot sighting
- A Hillary Clinton war story reported by Brian Williams
- Gas station sushi
- Jimmy Carter, with the economy or military strategy
- A Palestinian on a motorcycle
- Pete Carroll coaching decisions
- Eating an apple from an orchard at Fukushima reactor #4
- Hitching a ride from a guy in a goalie mask
- The ingredients in a hotdog
- Nancy Pelosi’s grip on reality
- Black Ice
- Jerry Sandusky as a Boy Scout leader
- Alien abduction stories
- Barney Frank in the shower asking you to pick up the bar of soap
Husband’s Text Message to wife:
Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
Gun Control. It has already started at Dick’s Sporting Goods. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of a new rifle and bullets, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking, security, and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!