Oct 312013
 

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend. The absence of a post-crash fire was due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

She was evidently flying for a meeting that was going to be held at midnight tonight.

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Oct 092013
 

After being married for 40 years, I took a
careful look at my wife and said,
“Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a
junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now …. I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00
car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but
I’m sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she
would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on
a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.

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Oct 032013
 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.


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Oct 192011
 

At dawn the telephone rings.
      "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
      "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
      "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
      "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
      "Si, Senor, that’s the one."
      "Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
      "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
      "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
      "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
      "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
      "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
      "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
      "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
      "Are you insane? What water cart?"
      "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
      "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
      "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
      "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
      "Yes, Senor Rod."
      "But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
      "For the funeral, Senor Rod."
      "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
      "Your wife’s, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
 

 

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Mar 202011
 

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.

‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’

‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.

‘Yes, I did.’ he replied.

‘My God, Bill, what happened?’

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Mar 172011
 

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.

The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

He asked:

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Feb 262011
 

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an  Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the  United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy,  "Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

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Feb 052011
 
  1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog’s parents never visit.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
  7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
  8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
  10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
  13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
  14. And last, but certainly not least: If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

 

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