Tag Archives: time

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don’t have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped  their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the  world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the  congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."

Obama’s new appointment

Obama has now appointed a Golf Czar. Announcements were just made of major rule changes in the game of golf which will become effective March 2011. This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few basic changes:

  • Golfers with handicaps:
    • below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
    • between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
    • above 18 will get a $25 check each time they play.
  • The dollar amount placed in bets will be as follows:
    • for handicaps below 10, an additional $10.
    • between 11 and 18, no additional amount.
    • above 18, you will receive the total amount in the pot even if you do not play.
  • The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement." These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. They will be used as follows:
    • handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
    • handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
    • handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
  • In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par,can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.
  • The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term ‘net score’ will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to ‘redistribute’ the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only ‘net score’ against every other player’s gross score.

 

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with Ability

SCHOOL — 1961 vs. 2011

Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1961 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1961 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1961 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1961 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2011 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse.  Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang..  State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.  Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1961 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2011 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1961 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2011 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher.   English banned from core curriculum.  Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1961 – Ants die.
2011 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1961 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2011 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Dear Blank, please blank

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Marco…

Sincerely, United States.


Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985.


Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson.


Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic.


Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic.


Dear Yahoo,

I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…

Sincerely, Google.


Dear High School Boys,

Your penis is not like Pinocchio’s nose – it doesn’t get longer every time you lie about its size.

Sincerely, Reality.


Dear Dumbasses,

Please pull your damn pants up. This style should have died when it started in 1993. Get a job too.

Sincerely, Taxpayer tired of supporting you and your stupid 5 illegitimate children.

 

I found these at dearblankpleaseblank.com. There are many more so check it out!

Calories burned during sex

The new year always brings many resolutions. Many of these resolutions include more exercise and losing weight. If this is your goal, hopefully the following information will assist you. But remember, if you don’t have a partner, you don’t need to worry because there are other options out there for you. For example, a custom sex doll if you should wish to invest in one.

The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa)

1/4 calories

If the woman is not (same vice-versa)

274 calories


Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size

22 calories

Oversize

15 calories

Tremendous

8 calories

Teensy-weensy

163 calories


Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)

20 calories

Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.)

25 calories

From the rear (Mysterious variation)

40 1/2 calories

Standing: Both partners of equal height

18 calories

Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man

90 calories

While in traction
(very useful during ski season)

124 calories


Locations

On a bar stool

20 calories

Rear of a Honda Civic

38 calories

In a phone booth, standing

14 calories

In a phone booth, lying down

274 calories

On an airliner, aisle seat

24 calories

On an airliner, middle seat

42 calories

On an airliner, window seat

30 calories

On an airliner, in the lavatory

100 calories


Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing

7 calories

Sliding around

9 calories

Serious Skidding

12 calories

Full cartwheel

20 calories

Whiplash

27 calories

Knee burn

6 calories

Chafed elbows

5 calories

Chafed nose

11 calories


Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp)

3 calories

Wheezing

5 calories

Squeals

4 calories

Ecstatic moaning

11 calories

Low growling

8 calories

Squishing

10 calories

Shouting

16 calories

Screaming

18 calories

Urgent begging

22 calories

Any short speech giving partner directions
(“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.)

25 calories


Approaching Orgasm

Letting go

5.5 calories

Controlling yourself

79 calories

Digging nails into your partner’s back

11 calories

Trembling

15 calories

Shaking

20 calories

Shuddering

25 calories

Trying to keep eyes open

33 calories


Orgasm
Real

27 calories

Faked

160 calories


Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn’t change

1/2 calorie

Face turned purple

15 calories

Orchestra swelled

6 calories

Magical explosions

10 calories

Blazing Sheets

25 calories

Earth moved

30 calories

Vesuvius erupted

47 calories

You began moaning in Latin

60 calories


Pulling Out

After orgasm

1/4 calorie

A few moments before orgasm

500 calories


Multiple Orgasms

For women:

2

14 calories

5

30 calories

8

47 calories

(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. Of course this could be a lot more if the positionings are correct, there’s been more calories burned and orgasms achieved when the female is strapped into a sex swing, providing the male was to choose a secure location to attach to. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)

For Men:

2

21 calories

3

39 calories

4

57 calories

(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)


Special Orgasms

Clitoral

15 calories

Vaginal

21 calories

Penile

21 calories

Scrotile

15 calories

Rectal

25 calories

Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal)

30 calories


Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion

2 calories

During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.)

5 calories

During foreplay

3 calories

Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.)

4 calories


Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv. It is thus advisable to consult a doctor for your condition, or scourge through online pharmacies like Menschem to buy sildenafil online, and attempt to treat it. Because, your partner’s pleasure does matter as much as yours!

For Women

Frustration

8 calories

Anger

15 calories

Violent mood swing

20 calories

Surpressing rage

25 calories

Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.)

65 calories

For Men:

Cursing

10 calories

Apologising

3 calories

Snivelling

5 calories

Pleading for mercy

8 calories

Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.)

15 calories


Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning

6 calories

Palpitations

10 calories

Shortness of breath

5 calories

Perspiring

8 calories


Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny desposition

1 calorie


Recovering

Un-entwining

3 calories

Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.)

7 calories

Standing up

9 calories

Getting some juice

11 calories


Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.)

18 calories

During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.)

32 calories

During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.)

12 calories

Avoiding the wet spot

80 calories


Trying Again

If the woman is ready

5 calories

If the man is not

156 calories


Dreaming

Regular dream

2 calories

Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices

16 calories

Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.)

20 calories


Group Sex

Introducing yourself

3 calories

Overcoming shyness

8 calories

Swapping partners, willingly

4 calories

Swapping partners, unwillingly

62 calories

Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are)

16 calories

Mixed doubles

26 calories

Being nice to everyone

100 calories

Anger
(You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.)

10 calories

Finding your clothes

5 calories


Masturbation

For pleasure only

6 calories

For exercise, too

10 calories

For relief from tension

12 calories

To pass the time

7 calories

To avoid overeating

16 calories

To get in touch with inner self

10 calories

To get in touch with outter self

10.5 calories

To avoid insanity

24 calories

To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.)

9 calories

Using your hand(s)

11 calories

Using your finger(s)

9 calories

Using tweezers

2 calories

Using an inflatable doll

24 calories

Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley)

19 calories

Using a vibrator, hand-operated

12 calories

Using a vibrator, windup

9 calories

Using a vibrator, electric

5 calories

Using anything not mentioned here

50 calories

In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket

2.5 calories

In a pornographic movie theater – finding isolated seat

78 calories

In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat

3 calories


Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did

4 calories

Partner hates me for what I didn’t do

8 calories

Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual

10 calories

Climaxing too soon

5 calories

Climaxing too late

6 calories

Not climaxing

20 calories

Partner thinks of me as a sex object

9 calories

Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object

47 calories

Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm

88 calories


Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm

6 calories

Stretch marks that look like a plowed field

8 calories

Penis envy

72 calories

Body odor of a disgruntled yak

25 calories


Getting Caught

By partner’s spouse

60 calories

By your spouse

60.5 calories

Trying to explain

165 calories

Stuttering

28 calories

Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed)

40 calories


Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm

100 calories

Fright (includes trembling)

66 calories

Leaping out of bed

25 calories

Getting dressed in one large motion

300 calories

Thanking partner quickly

2 calories

Jumping out of window
(add 5 calories if window wasn’t open)

15 calories

Landing

1 calorie

Running very fast

50 calories


I found this at Off-Color Humor

You know you are a redneck

  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.  
  2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 
  3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  5. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
  6. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  7. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  10. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  11. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
  12. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
  13. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  14. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  16. You have a rag for a gas cap.
  17. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  18. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
  19. You can spit without opening your mouth.
  20. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  21. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  22. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
  23. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  24. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  25. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  26. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
  27. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
  28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
  29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

A chance to offend almost everyone

I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’. I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power’


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn’t mean what I thought it did.


A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, “sorry about the wait”. I said, “don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually”.


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that”.


Top Tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation for casual sex … wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them … here’s how it goes “Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?”


Years ago it was suggested “that an apple a day kept the doctor away” … but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works
best!


I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Mexicans” was not the correct answer.