Feb 272011
 

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

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Feb 262011
 

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an  Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the  United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy,  "Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

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Feb 152011
 

Daughter : ” Hey Mom. Me and my boyfriend are just going to my room. ”
Mom : ” OK. Don’t do anything stupid ”
Mom hears her daughter screaming ”BAABBY BAABBY BAABBYY OOHHHH” !!
Mom rushes up stairs
Mom : ”What are you doing !!?!??!!”
Daughter : ”Get out mom, we are having sex!!.”
Mom : ”OHH!! Thank God! I thought you were listening to Justin Bieber.”

Feb 082011
 

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

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Jan 292011
 

Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1961 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1961 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1961 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

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Jan 222011
 

A Chicago family of pro football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a Green Bay Packers #12 jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Packer fan and I would like this for Christmas.” His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go talk with mom.”

Off goes the little lad with the Green Bay Packer jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Aaron Rodger’s jersey for Christmas.” The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go see your father.”

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Jan 212011
 

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

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Jan 202011
 

Tempted to embark on yet another extra marital affair, Bill was absent-mindedly reviewing the situation to himself in the bar.

“Not worth it,” he muttered. “Never as good as you hoped.  Expensive. Drives the wife berserk.”

His friend, who happened to overhear his soliloquy leaned across. “Come now, old son. You know what to expect when you took up golf.”

Jan 182011
 

A woman was in a coma.  She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.  One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitors whenever she touched her there.  They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.  

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.’

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Jan 162011
 

Let’s put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

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