Tag Archives: phone
Texting a sweet thought
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.”
The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
Texting a sweet thought
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.”
The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
Sorry for the phone calls
Facebook screwup
I found this image on Lamebook.
Treat seniors like criminals
Let’s put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Calories burned during sex
The new year always brings many resolutions. Many of these resolutions include more exercise and losing weight. If this is your goal, hopefully the following information will assist you. But remember, if you don’t have a partner, you don’t need to worry because there are other options out there for you. For example, a custom sex doll if you should wish to invest in one.
The Act of Insertion
If the man is ready (same vice-versa) |
1/4 calories |
If the woman is not (same vice-versa) |
274 calories |
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
Normal size |
22 calories |
Oversize |
15 calories |
Tremendous |
8 calories |
Teensy-weensy |
163 calories |
Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) |
20 calories |
Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) |
25 calories |
From the rear (Mysterious variation) |
40 1/2 calories |
Standing: Both partners of equal height |
18 calories |
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man |
90 calories |
While in traction (very useful during ski season) |
124 calories |
Locations
On a bar stool |
20 calories |
Rear of a Honda Civic |
38 calories |
In a phone booth, standing |
14 calories |
In a phone booth, lying down |
274 calories |
On an airliner, aisle seat |
24 calories |
On an airliner, middle seat |
42 calories |
On an airliner, window seat |
30 calories |
On an airliner, in the lavatory |
100 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing |
7 calories |
Sliding around |
9 calories |
Serious Skidding |
12 calories |
Full cartwheel |
20 calories |
Whiplash |
27 calories |
Knee burn |
6 calories |
Chafed elbows |
5 calories |
Chafed nose |
11 calories |
Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp) |
3 calories |
Wheezing |
5 calories |
Squeals |
4 calories |
Ecstatic moaning |
11 calories |
Low growling |
8 calories |
Squishing |
10 calories |
Shouting |
16 calories |
Screaming |
18 calories |
Urgent begging |
22 calories |
Any short speech giving partner directions (“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.) |
25 calories |
Approaching Orgasm
Letting go |
5.5 calories |
Controlling yourself |
79 calories |
Digging nails into your partner’s back |
11 calories |
Trembling |
15 calories |
Shaking |
20 calories |
Shuddering |
25 calories |
Trying to keep eyes open |
33 calories |
Orgasm
Real |
27 calories |
Faked |
160 calories |
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn’t change |
1/2 calorie |
Face turned purple |
15 calories |
Orchestra swelled |
6 calories |
Magical explosions |
10 calories |
Blazing Sheets |
25 calories |
Earth moved |
30 calories |
Vesuvius erupted |
47 calories |
You began moaning in Latin |
60 calories |
Pulling Out
After orgasm |
1/4 calorie |
A few moments before orgasm |
500 calories |
Multiple Orgasms
For women:
2 |
14 calories |
5 |
30 calories |
8 |
47 calories |
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. Of course this could be a lot more if the positionings are correct, there’s been more calories burned and orgasms achieved when the female is strapped into a sex swing, providing the male was to choose a secure location to attach to. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
2 |
21 calories |
3 |
39 calories |
4 |
57 calories |
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)
Special Orgasms
Clitoral |
15 calories |
Vaginal |
21 calories |
Penile |
21 calories |
Scrotile |
15 calories |
Rectal |
25 calories |
Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) |
30 calories |
Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion |
2 calories |
During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) |
5 calories |
During foreplay |
3 calories |
Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) |
4 calories |
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv. It is thus advisable to consult a doctor for your condition, or scourge through online pharmacies like Menschem to buy sildenafil online, and attempt to treat it. Because, your partner’s pleasure does matter as much as yours!
For Women
Frustration |
8 calories |
Anger |
15 calories |
Violent mood swing |
20 calories |
Surpressing rage |
25 calories |
Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.) |
65 calories |
For Men:
Cursing |
10 calories |
Apologising |
3 calories |
Snivelling |
5 calories |
Pleading for mercy |
8 calories |
Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) |
15 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
Swooning |
6 calories |
Palpitations |
10 calories |
Shortness of breath |
5 calories |
Perspiring |
8 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny desposition |
1 calorie |
Recovering
Un-entwining |
3 calories |
Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) |
7 calories |
Standing up |
9 calories |
Getting some juice |
11 calories |
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.) |
18 calories |
During intercourse (Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) |
32 calories |
During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) |
12 calories |
Avoiding the wet spot |
80 calories |
Trying Again
If the woman is ready |
5 calories |
If the man is not |
156 calories |
Dreaming
Regular dream |
2 calories |
Wet Dream Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices |
16 calories |
Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) |
20 calories |
Group Sex
Introducing yourself |
3 calories |
Overcoming shyness |
8 calories |
Swapping partners, willingly |
4 calories |
Swapping partners, unwillingly |
62 calories |
Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) |
16 calories |
Mixed doubles |
26 calories |
Being nice to everyone |
100 calories |
Anger (You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) |
10 calories |
Finding your clothes |
5 calories |
Masturbation
For pleasure only |
6 calories |
For exercise, too |
10 calories |
For relief from tension |
12 calories |
To pass the time |
7 calories |
To avoid overeating |
16 calories |
To get in touch with inner self |
10 calories |
To get in touch with outter self |
10.5 calories |
To avoid insanity |
24 calories |
To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) |
9 calories |
Using your hand(s) |
11 calories |
Using your finger(s) |
9 calories |
Using tweezers |
2 calories |
Using an inflatable doll |
24 calories |
Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) |
19 calories |
Using a vibrator, hand-operated |
12 calories |
Using a vibrator, windup |
9 calories |
Using a vibrator, electric |
5 calories |
Using anything not mentioned here |
50 calories |
In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket |
2.5 calories |
In a pornographic movie theater – finding isolated seat |
78 calories |
In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat |
3 calories |
Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did |
4 calories |
Partner hates me for what I didn’t do |
8 calories |
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual |
10 calories |
Climaxing too soon |
5 calories |
Climaxing too late |
6 calories |
Not climaxing |
20 calories |
Partner thinks of me as a sex object |
9 calories |
Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object |
47 calories |
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm |
88 calories |
Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm |
6 calories |
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field |
8 calories |
Penis envy |
72 calories |
Body odor of a disgruntled yak |
25 calories |
Getting Caught
By partner’s spouse |
60 calories |
By your spouse |
60.5 calories |
Trying to explain |
165 calories |
Stuttering |
28 calories |
Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) |
40 calories |
Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm |
100 calories |
Fright (includes trembling) |
66 calories |
Leaping out of bed |
25 calories |
Getting dressed in one large motion |
300 calories |
Thanking partner quickly |
2 calories |
Jumping out of window (add 5 calories if window wasn’t open) |
15 calories |
Landing |
1 calorie |
Running very fast |
50 calories |
I found this at Off-Color Humor
Tiger’s night before Thanksgiving
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,
Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
Those “I” things
For my son’s Birthday, we bought him an iPod.
For my daughter’s birthday, she got an iPhone
and for my birthday I was pleased to receive an iPad.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon – and then the fight started….
Johnny can’t sit still at school
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office.. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
‘I thought I told you to call your mom!’ she said.
‘I did,’ he said, ‘and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’