Oct 282013
 

genie bottleBob and Ralph were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph for a light.

‘Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,’ Ralph replied with an Irish accent, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

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Sep 152013
 

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: “Can I have a beer Grandpa?”

Grandpa replies: “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

The little boy answered: “No Grandpa. It’s just a little pecker.”

Gramps says: “Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer.”

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.

The little boy asks: “Can I have a cigar Grandpa?”

Once again, Grandpa asks: “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

Once again the little boy replies, “No, it’s too little.”

Gramps replies, “Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar.”

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some  cookies.

Grandpa asks, “Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?” Continue reading »

Sep 142013
 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started……

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point..

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Nov 152010
 

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, ‘Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?’ He says, ‘Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.’

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

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Oct 112010
 

Two men are out just quietly fishing & drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
“I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.”

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
“You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”

Jun 042010
 

An old man takes his grandson fishing one afternoon. After 15 minutes of fishing, ol’ grandpa takes out his flask of whiskey and starts drinking. His grandson asks, “Can I have some, Grandpa?”

“Can your dick touch your ass?” he replies.

“No.”

“Then you’re not old enough, sit down.”

Another 15 minutes pass and grandpa takes out his Camel and starts to puff away. His grandson asks “Can I have some of that, gramps?”

“Can your dick touch your ass?”

“No.”

“Then you’re not old enough, sit down.” Continue reading »

May 232010
 

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. After they finish having sex, they cuddle for a few moments when the phone rings. Since they are in the woman’s house, she picks up the phone. Her lover watches and listens, hearing only her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says: “Hello? … Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… I am so happy for you… That sounds terrific… Thanks… OK, goodbye, Dear.” Continue reading »