Sep 132015
 

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

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Sep 022015
 

Gun Control. It has already started at Dick’s Sporting Goods. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of a new rifle and bullets, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking, security, and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

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Aug 262015
 

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

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Feb 182014
 

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

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Feb 152014
 

70 degrees – Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Ohio go swimming in rivers, creeks and and pools.

60 degrees – People in North Carolina try to turn on the heat. Ohioans are still sunbathing.

50 degrees – Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Ohio plant gardens

40 degrees – Italian and English cars won’t start. People in Ohio drive with the windows down.

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Feb 122014
 

A guy walks into a post office. He sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him. He goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

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Feb 082014
 

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man… Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. I’m just serious by nature.”

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Feb 072014
 

Why do girls get all bent out shape when a man asks for a sandwich? When my woman says “Fix my car” or “Fix my computer” I don’t claim it’s sexist. I fix her stuff because I’m good at it. She is good at making sandwiches. Next time she asks me to fix her shit, I’m going to act offended and say, “Fix your own shit!”  Let’s see who is more hurt, me without a sandwich or her without a car!