The new year always brings many resolutions. Many of these resolutions include more exercise and losing weight. If this is your goal, hopefully the following information will assist you. But remember, if you don’t have a partner, you don’t need to worry because there are other options out there for you. For example, a custom sex doll if you should wish to invest in one.

The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa)	1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa)	274 calories

---

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size	22 calories
Oversize	15 calories
Tremendous	8 calories
Teensy-weensy	163 calories

---

Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)	20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.)	25 calories
From the rear (Mysterious variation)	40 1/2 calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height	18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man	90 calories
While in traction (very useful during ski season)	124 calories

---

Locations

On a bar stool	20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic	38 calories
In a phone booth, standing	14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down	274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat	24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat	42 calories
On an airliner, window seat	30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory	100 calories

---

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing	7 calories
Sliding around	9 calories
Serious Skidding	12 calories
Full cartwheel	20 calories
Whiplash	27 calories
Knee burn	6 calories
Chafed elbows	5 calories
Chafed nose	11 calories

---

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp)	3 calories
Wheezing	5 calories
Squeals	4 calories
Ecstatic moaning	11 calories
Low growling	8 calories
Squishing	10 calories
Shouting	16 calories
Screaming	18 calories
Urgent begging	22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions (“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.)	25 calories

---

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go	5.5 calories
Controlling yourself	79 calories
Digging nails into your partner’s back	11 calories
Trembling	15 calories
Shaking	20 calories
Shuddering	25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open	33 calories

---

Orgasm

Real	27 calories
Faked	160 calories

---

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn’t change	1/2 calorie
Face turned purple	15 calories
Orchestra swelled	6 calories
Magical explosions	10 calories
Blazing Sheets	25 calories
Earth moved	30 calories
Vesuvius erupted	47 calories
You began moaning in Latin	60 calories

---

Pulling Out

After orgasm	1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm	500 calories

---

Multiple Orgasms

For women:

2	14 calories
5	30 calories
8	47 calories

(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. Of course this could be a lot more if the positionings are correct, there’s been more calories burned and orgasms achieved when the female is strapped into a sex swing, providing the male was to choose a secure location to attach to. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)

For Men:

2	21 calories
3	39 calories
4	57 calories

(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)

---

Special Orgasms

Clitoral	15 calories
Vaginal	21 calories
Penile	21 calories
Scrotile	15 calories
Rectal	25 calories
Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal)	30 calories

---

Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion	2 calories
During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.)	5 calories
During foreplay	3 calories
Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.)	4 calories

---

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv. It is thus advisable to consult a doctor for your condition, or scourge through online pharmacies like Menschem to buy sildenafil online, and attempt to treat it. Because, your partner’s pleasure does matter as much as yours!

For Women

Frustration	8 calories
Anger	15 calories
Violent mood swing	20 calories
Surpressing rage	25 calories
Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.)	65 calories

For Men:

Cursing	10 calories
Apologising	3 calories
Snivelling	5 calories
Pleading for mercy	8 calories
Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.)	15 calories

---

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning	6 calories
Palpitations	10 calories
Shortness of breath	5 calories
Perspiring	8 calories

---

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny desposition

1 calorie

---

Recovering

Un-entwining	3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.)	7 calories
Standing up	9 calories
Getting some juice	11 calories

---

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.)	18 calories
During intercourse (Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.)	32 calories
During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.)	12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot	80 calories

---

Trying Again

If the woman is ready	5 calories
If the man is not	156 calories

---

Dreaming

Regular dream	2 calories
Wet Dream Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices	16 calories
Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.)	20 calories

---

Group Sex

Introducing yourself	3 calories
Overcoming shyness	8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly	4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly	62 calories
Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are)	16 calories
Mixed doubles	26 calories
Being nice to everyone	100 calories
Anger (You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.)	10 calories
Finding your clothes	5 calories

---

Masturbation

For pleasure only	6 calories
For exercise, too	10 calories
For relief from tension	12 calories
To pass the time	7 calories
To avoid overeating	16 calories
To get in touch with inner self	10 calories
To get in touch with outter self	10.5 calories
To avoid insanity	24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.)	9 calories
Using your hand(s)	11 calories
Using your finger(s)	9 calories
Using tweezers	2 calories
Using an inflatable doll	24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley)	19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand-operated	12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup	9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric	5 calories
Using anything not mentioned here	50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket	2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – finding isolated seat	78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat	3 calories

---

Typical Sex-Related Fears

Partner hates me for what I did	4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn’t do	8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual	10 calories
Climaxing too soon	5 calories
Climaxing too late	6 calories
Not climaxing	20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object	9 calories
Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object	47 calories
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm	88 calories

---

Personal Fears

Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm	6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field	8 calories
Penis envy	72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak	25 calories

---

Getting Caught

By partner’s spouse	60 calories
By your spouse	60.5 calories
Trying to explain	165 calories
Stuttering	28 calories
Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed)	40 calories

---

Almost Getting Caught

Trying to remain calm	100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)	66 calories
Leaping out of bed	25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion	300 calories
Thanking partner quickly	2 calories
Jumping out of window (add 5 calories if window wasn’t open)	15 calories
Landing	1 calorie
Running very fast	50 calories

---

I found this at Off-Color Humor