Category Archives: Ethnic

Ethnic, Family, Mother / Mother-in-law, Religion, Sports

The Jewish Quarterback

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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly ​ ​ ​incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect Arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you, the old woman says.” You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,…

“I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!

Ethnic, Politics

A born salesman

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A born salesman Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty.

Ole’s first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole’s sales pitch. Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
“If you haf da normal GI insurans an’ yoo go to Afghanistan an’ get yourself kilt, da governmen’ pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t’irty dollars a munt , den da governmen’ got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000!” Continue reading A born salesman →

Ethnic, Sports

Shiny new robots don’t work

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A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.”

The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.”

The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, “I think my driver will do the job.”

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, “No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.” Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, “I think this green is gonna break left to right.” The robot then again spoke up and said, “No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left.”

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, “How was your game ?” The golfer stated, “It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.”

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, “I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.”

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, “Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.”

“COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible”

Continue reading Shiny new robots don’t work →

Ethnic, Quickie

It isn’t legal to use bait in Canada

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A Canadian and an American were hunting in Canadian woods when a Mexican runs across the field and the Canadian shoots him and kills him.

“You can’t do that!” cried the American.

“No, no, it’s legal here in Canada” replies the Canadian.

Later that night the American goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door. Just then a

Mexican runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The American thinks “No problem” and he shoots him and kills him. 

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.
“But I thought it was legal to shoot Mexicans here in Canada!” protests the American.
“Well yeah, it is” says the cop, “but you can’t use bait.”

Ethnic, Politics, Quickie, Redneck

Two families from Afghanistan move to USA

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Two families moved from Afghanistan to America . When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet: In a year’s time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met.

The first man said, “My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald’s for breakfast and I’m on my way to pick up a case of Bud… how about you?” Continue reading Two families from Afghanistan move to USA →

Ethnic, Quickie

The Irish Bic Lighter

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genie bottleBob and Ralph were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph for a light.

‘Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,’ Ralph replied with an Irish accent, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

‘My God, man!’ exclaimed Bob, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. ‘Where’d yew git dat monster?’

‘Well,’ replied Ralph, ‘I got it from my Genie.’

‘You haff a fecking Genie?’ Bob asked.

‘Ya, shure. It’s right here in my tackle Box,’ says Ralph.

‘Could I see him?’

Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie,Bob says, ‘Hey dere! I’m a good pal of your master. will you grant me One wish?’

‘Yes, I will,’ says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million Bucks. Shortly,the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead. But wait, there’s more!

Ethnic, Quickie

Old fashioned Polish humor

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There was a small phone company in Wisconsin many years ago that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Polish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said, “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job.”

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift the Norwegian guys, came back, and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they’d put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later the Polish guys came back in, and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?” the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, “Tosh and me, we got three in.”

The boss gasped, “Three? Those two Norwegian guys put in twelve!”

“Yeah,” said Tosh, “but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground.”