Nov 022010
 

I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’. I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power’


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn’t mean what I thought it did.


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Sep 272010
 

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’

The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’

The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’

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Mar 212010
 

Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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Only in America…..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

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Mar 042010
 

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros
on a single roll of the dice.

She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind,
but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.
With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop,
she jumped up and down and squealed…
‘YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

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Mar 012010
 

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.  The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.  When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.  When she was finished, the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so, Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

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