Tag Archives: USA

Ethnic, Quickie

A chance to offend almost everyone

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I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’. I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power’

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn’t mean what I thought it did.

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, “sorry about the wait”. I said, “don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually”.

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that”.

Top Tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation for casual sex … wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them … here’s how it goes “Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?”

Years ago it was suggested “that an apple a day kept the doctor away” … but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works
best!

I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Mexicans” was not the correct answer.

Quickie, Religion

Preacher: Don’t do what I say

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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’

The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’

The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’

The preacher said, ‘No shit?’

Irony

Only in America

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Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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Only in America…..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

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Only in America…..do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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Only in America …….do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

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Only in America………do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

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Only in America…..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Blonde, Quickie

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros
on a single roll of the dice.

She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind,
but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.
With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop,
she jumped up and down and squealed…
‘YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers
and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

MORAL OF THE STORY –
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
but all men…..are men.

Politics

Stupid Barack Obama joke

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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.  The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.  When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.  When she was finished, the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so, Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally,  George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.  When he was finished, the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush  got to call the USA free. The devil replied, “Since Obama became the president of the USA ,the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”