Tag Archives: Irish
The Irish Bic Lighter
Bob and Ralph were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph for a light.
‘Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,’ Ralph replied with an Irish accent, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
‘My God, man!’ exclaimed Bob, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. ‘Where’d yew git dat monster?’
‘Well,’ replied Ralph, ‘I got it from my Genie.’
‘You haff a fecking Genie?’ Bob asked.
‘Ya, shure. It’s right here in my tackle Box,’ says Ralph.
‘Could I see him?’
Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie,Bob says, ‘Hey dere! I’m a good pal of your master. will you grant me One wish?’
‘Yes, I will,’ says the Genie.
So Bob asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million Bucks. Shortly,the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead. But wait, there’s more!
Never believe an Irishman
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a
typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs.
“That’s about average up our way, folks. Like I said, my boy’s a typical County Clare baby boy.”
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that
typical Irish baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making bets about
how big he’d be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened?” He was 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into
the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
Irish Golfer
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.
‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.
‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’
‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’
And the golfer walks off.
‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ‘ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’
‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’
‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’
‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’
‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’
C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’
Irish cabbie
One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
“Where to?” he stammered.
“Vale Road,” answered the woman.
“OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell you are looking at?”
“Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?”
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”
Irish logic
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
Being British
I found this on I’ma Weird but it was referred to me by TheJoker.
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros
on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind,
but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.
With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’
As the dice came to a stop,
she jumped up and down and squealed…
‘YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’
She hugged each of the dealers
and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’
MORAL OF THE STORY –
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
but all men…..are men.
Jokes to offend everyone
Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call an Italian that has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver’s Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What’s the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the “F” word?
A. Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell “BINGO”.
Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins: “Once upon a time …. ” A southern fairytale begins: “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this ….”
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.