Mar 102014
 

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” Continue reading »

Jan 152014
 

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest “I’m pregnant”

He asked ” How did this happen my child?”

She said “I think it must be the second coming”

The priest, shocked by this reply asked “What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?”

Continue reading »

Nov 182010
 

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

Continue reading »

Jun 142010
 

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
INCENSE Holy Smoke!
JESUITS An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH The original ‘Jaws’ story.
JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE
ELEISON
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics it means “Lord have mercy”.)
MAGI The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey.
PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
STABLE Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not presented by David Letterman.
USHER The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.