- Yes, your freshman AND Sophomore years count towards your GPA for college entrance. Screw it up and you’ll work for crap wages your whole life.
- No means NO. In every possible circumstance.
- Join every sport, every club, every after school activity no matter what the cost. It’s cheaper than bail.
- Repeat after me: I am never in that much of a hurry…I am never in that much of a hurry. Now say that every time you get behind the wheel. It will save your life and that of your best friend in the seat next to you.
- Don’t do drugs or drink – it is so not worth the trouble.
- Don’t get a credit card. You earn it or you live without it.
- If I yell at you, it’s because I love you. And also, because you pissed me off. To avoid the latter, don’t be an idiot. And don’t disappoint me. More importantly, yourself.
- Make a vivid picture inside your head of every great moment of your childhood. You’ll need those to get through adulthood.
- Make snow angels as often as possible. Make a bucket list. Check it off!
- Stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves.
- Be always benevolent. Yes, that’s a word. Look it up.
- Call me for a ride even if you are so drunk you barely know my number. I’ll probably be mad for a while but I’ll respect you for calling and I won’t kill you. Riding with someone who is drinking will. (PS – remember #5?)
- Be a leader, not a follower. Unless you are following the kid with the highest GPA and (s)he is going to a study group, then by all means be a follower!
- Love your siblings, even when you don’t like them. Some day you will be trying to get them to take care of me in my old age. If they are mad at you, you are stuck with me.
- I’ve been there, done that on more things than you can imagine. I’m not stupid and I know what you are doing. I was once you (times ten).
- Work hard at everything you do. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
- Cover it. (Enough said.)
- When I tell you to clean your room, do not point at my messy room and raise your eyebrows. I’m trying to raise you to be better than me.
- Learn to type; to budget; to spell correctly and to pray. All are equally important.
- Never be sedentary. Someday soon you will no longer be able to move like that. Enjoy it.
Tag Archives: Parent
SCHOOL — 1961 vs. 2011
Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1961 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1961 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1961 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1961 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2011 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1961 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2011 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1961 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2011 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1961 – Ants die.
2011 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1961 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2011 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
A chance to offend almost everyone
I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’. I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power’
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn’t mean what I thought it did.
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, “sorry about the wait”. I said, “don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually”.
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that”.
Top Tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation for casual sex … wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them … here’s how it goes “Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?”
Years ago it was suggested “that an apple a day kept the doctor away” … but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works
best!
I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Mexicans” was not the correct answer.
The incredible peeing dog
The Amazing Peeing Dog brought to you by VideoBash.com
Parenting failures
Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% of us say we’re average-looking.
Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
(this list was found at Aha! Jokes)
The New GM (Government Motors) Proudly Introduces The 2010 Obama!
This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.It comes complete with two TelePrompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the “happy” owners.
Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL
It won’t get you to work, but not a problem, there aren’t any jobs anyway!
Montana Bear Tragedy
This is a very sad story about a bear. Everybody should heed the warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore.
This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country’s wildlife!
The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife . . . .
Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party….. as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.
This photo is of a Democrat black bear in Montana nicknamed . .. .
Bearack Obearma.
The Day ObamaCare died
This parody of American Pie sung by Barack Obama is quite hilarious!
The Day ObamaCare Died – American Pie Parody
This lawnmower is made by Toyota
Runaway Mower