Tag Archives: house

From bad to worse

At dawn the telephone rings.
      "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
      "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
      "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
      "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
      "Si, Senor, that’s the one."
      "Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
      "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
      "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
      "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
      "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
      "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
      "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
      "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
      "Are you insane? What water cart?"
      "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
      "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
      "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
      "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
      "Yes, Senor Rod."
      "But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
      "For the funeral, Senor Rod."
      "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
      "Your wife’s, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
 

 

     SILENCE………..LONG SILENCE………VERY LONG SILENCE.

 

      "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit."

3 wishes for an illegal alien

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an  Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the  United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy,  "Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING !– he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder.  "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country..  I want to bring them all over here" — and — PING !– in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish.  I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.  And I want to have white skin like Americans" —and — PING ! — The man was transformed – wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap.  He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?"  He wailed, "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said:

"Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

Tiger’s night before Thanksgiving

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,

Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

You know you are a redneck

  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.  
  2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 
  3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  5. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
  6. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  7. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  10. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  11. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
  12. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
  13. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  14. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  16. You have a rag for a gas cap.
  17. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  18. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
  19. You can spit without opening your mouth.
  20. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  21. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  22. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
  23. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  24. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  25. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  26. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
  27. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
  28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
  29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

T’was the night before Kwansa

t’was the night before kwansa and all through the crib,

Not a white man was lurking, all present were splib.

With mom out there hooking and dad in the slam,

I just settled down with some collards and ham.

The house was just freezin and covered with snow,

as my brother pulled up in a care he dun stole.

Grandma was boozin with stoli and jack,

while two brothers in the corner were smokin some crack.

When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,

A headache was forming from the old lady’s chatter.

His sleigh hit the roof, it came to a stop,

three more feet, a fifty foot drop.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,

I knew in a moment the fucker had fell.

He came out the fireplace, his beard full of ash.

He went through our pockets, he looded our cash.

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,

and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

The preacher was preaching and counting the dough,

one brother was bitchin and smackin his hoe.

They scarffed down some chicken, deep fried in some grease,

as leroy stood guard, one hand on his piece.

he flew off the roof and climbed out of sight,

he wished everyone a special good night.

The best contractors in the world contest!

A few of these guys have worked on my house!


It is fine except for the winter time!


A sure proof way to not catch the bad guys!


The stairway to nowhere.


Is it safer to cross the road or take the bridge?


Who needs to buy a level – I can tell if it is straight by eye!


Dear, I know the neighbors have a patio but that doesn’t mean that we have one!


The train doesn’t come by our house very often.


The boss said the light post had to be right here.


Guaranteed method to prevent over withdraws.


A little bit of privacy, please!

Husband has gone fishing

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. After they finish having sex, they cuddle for a few moments when the phone rings. Since they are in the woman’s house, she picks up the phone. Her lover watches and listens, hearing only her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says: “Hello? … Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… I am so happy for you… That sounds terrific… Thanks… OK, goodbye, Dear.” Continue reading Husband has gone fishing