Tag Archives: plane

This is your Captain speaking

It doesn’t get any more politically incorrect than this……
 
 
A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
 
The pilot speaks over the intercom, “I’m sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne”.
 
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane’s speed continues to decrease.
 
Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, “I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this is alphabetically, so we’ll start with the letter ‘A'”.
 
“Africans? Are there any Africans on board?”
 
There was no answer so the pilot calls, B – “Black people, are there any black people on board?”
 
Again silence.
 
“C – coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?
 
Still there is silence.
 
Continue reading This is your Captain speaking

SCHOOL — 1961 vs. 2011

Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1961 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1961 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1961 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1961 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2011 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse.  Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang..  State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.  Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1961 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2011 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1961 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2011 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher.   English banned from core curriculum.  Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1961 – Ants die.
2011 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1961 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2011 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

EVER WONDER ……

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

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Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?