Tag Archives: tree
Cookie crumbs
A Wall Street banker, corporate CEO, tea partier, and Wisconsin public school teacher are sitting at a table in a restaurant. A waiter brings a plate with a dozen cookies and sets it in the center of the table. The Wall Street banker grabs 6 cookies. The corporate CEO grabs the other 6 cookies. Then they turn to the tea partier and say, “Are you going to let that greedy teacher take your crumbs?”
Is he trying to save this cat or kill himself?
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=004moUtUJ7Q&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]
You know you are a redneck
- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
- You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
- You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
- The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
- You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
- You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Wal Mart, are you kidding me?
So I went to Wal-Mart and saw that they had Obama Christmas Tree ornaments….
Now ain’t that a bitch???
Suddenly it’s OK to hang a black man from a tree again??????????
Adult Riddles
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What’s the definition of ‘Macho’?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?
A. About three inches.
Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q: What’s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What’s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch!
New golf terms this season
Some new golf terms to use when you’re out on the course…
A ‘Rock Hudson’ – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t.
A ‘Saddam Hussein’ – from one bunker into another.
A ‘Yasser Arafat’ – butt ugly and in the sand.
A ‘John Kennedy Jr.’ – didn’t quite make it over the water.
A ‘Rodney King’ – over-clubbed.
An ‘O.J.’- got away with one.
A ‘Princess Grace’ – should have used a driver.
A ‘Princess Di’ – shouldn’t have used the driver.
A ‘Condom’ – safe, but didn’t feel very good.
A ‘Brazilian’ – shaved the hole.
A ‘Rush Limbaugh’ – a little to the right.
A ‘Nancy Pelosi’ – Way to the left and out of bounds.
A ‘James Joyce’ – a putt that’s impossible to read.
A ‘Ted Kennedy’ – goes in the water and jumps out.
A ‘Pee Wee Herman’ – too much wrist.
A ‘Sonny Bono’ – straight into the trees.
A ‘Paris Hilton’ – a very expensive hole.
A ‘Tiger Woods’ – wrong hole.
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you…
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What would you do?
Democrat’s Answer:
- Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
- Does the man look poor or oppressed?
- Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
- Could we run away?
- What does my wife think?
- What about the kids?
- Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
- What does the law say about this situation?
- Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
- Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
- Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
- Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
- If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
- Should I call 9-1-1?
- Why is this street so deserted?
- We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
- Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
- I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
- This is all so confusing!
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! ‘
Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!‘
Wife: ‘You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist!’
Because you just don’t want to pee on the tree
Found this on There, I Fixed It.