Tag Archives: mouth

3 wishes for an illegal alien

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an  Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the  United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy,  "Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING !– he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder.  "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country..  I want to bring them all over here" — and — PING !– in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish.  I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.  And I want to have white skin like Americans" —and — PING ! — The man was transformed – wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap.  He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?"  He wailed, "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said:

"Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

You know you are a redneck

  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.  
  2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 
  3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  5. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
  6. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  7. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  10. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  11. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
  12. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
  13. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  14. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  16. You have a rag for a gas cap.
  17. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  18. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
  19. You can spit without opening your mouth.
  20. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  21. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  22. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
  23. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  24. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  25. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  26. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
  27. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
  28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
  29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Johnny before Christmas break

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we’re average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

(this list was found at Aha! Jokes)

EVER WONDER ……

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

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Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?