Tag Archives: Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods plays Stevie Wonder in golf

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar…

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How ‘s the singing career going?”

Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How ‘s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I ‘ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I ‘ve got that right, now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”

Stevie says, “Yes, I ‘ve been playing for years.”

Tiger says, “But — you ‘re blind! How can you play golf if you can ‘t see?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

But, “How do you putt” asks Tiger.

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”

Tiger asks, “What ‘s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, actually — I ‘m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We ‘ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie replies, “Well, people don ‘t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”

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Famous athlete drinks

The most famous drink named after a professional athlete is the “Arnold Palmer”. It is half unsweetened iced tea, half lemonade. It is named for the golfer whose love of the concoction made it popular.

But are any other drinks named for athletes? Yes. Many, in fact. And unlike an Arnold Palmer, they’re all alcoholic drinks.

Consider trying all 14 for your next party!

JOHN DALY

Directions: Pour 14 cans of Busch Light into a bucket. Garnish with chicken wings.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Directions: Make a Sex On The Beach. Chase with a vigorous legal defense.

ALEXANDER OVECHKIN

Directions:Add one completely unnecessary shot of vodka to any drink.

TIM TEBOW

Directions: Fill a pint glass with vodka. Set aside for sterilization of circumcisions. Now pour glass of ice water and serve.

JOHN CALIPARI

Directions: Fill a champagne flute with champagne. Now vacate the champagne and sell the flute to the highest bidder.

LANE KIFFIN

Directions: Start making a martini. But quickly throw that out and make a margarita instead.

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Tiger’s night before Thanksgiving

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,

Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

Johnny before Christmas break

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

New golf terms this season

Some new golf terms to use when you’re out on the course…

A ‘Rock Hudson’ – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t.

A ‘Saddam Hussein’ – from one bunker into another.

A ‘Yasser Arafat’ – butt ugly and in the sand.

A ‘John Kennedy Jr.’ – didn’t quite make it over the water.

A ‘Rodney King’ – over-clubbed.

An ‘O.J.’- got away with one.

A ‘Princess Grace’ – should have used a driver.

A ‘Princess Di’ – shouldn’t have used the driver.

A ‘Condom’ – safe, but didn’t feel very good.

A ‘Brazilian’ – shaved the hole.

A ‘Rush Limbaugh’ – a little to the right.

A ‘Nancy Pelosi’ – Way to the left and out of bounds.

A ‘James Joyce’ – a putt that’s impossible to read.

A ‘Ted Kennedy’ – goes in the water and jumps out.

A ‘Pee Wee Herman’ – too much wrist.

A ‘Sonny Bono’ – straight into the trees.

A ‘Paris Hilton’ – a very expensive hole.

A ‘Tiger Woods’ – wrong hole.