Sep 212013
 

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar…

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How ‘s the singing career going?”

Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How ‘s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I ‘ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I ‘ve got that right, now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”

Stevie says, “Yes, I ‘ve been playing for years.”

Tiger says, “But — you ‘re blind! How can you play golf if you can ‘t see?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

But, “How do you putt” asks Tiger.

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”

Tiger asks, “What ‘s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, actually — I ‘m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We ‘ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie replies, “Well, people don ‘t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”

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Apr 122011
 

The most famous drink named after a professional athlete is the “Arnold Palmer”. It is half unsweetened iced tea, half lemonade. It is named for the golfer whose love of the concoction made it popular.

But are any other drinks named for athletes? Yes. Many, in fact. And unlike an Arnold Palmer, they’re all alcoholic drinks.

Consider trying all 14 for your next party!

JOHN DALY

Directions: Pour 14 cans of Busch Light into a bucket. Garnish with chicken wings.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Directions: Make a Sex On The Beach. Chase with a vigorous legal defense.

ALEXANDER OVECHKIN

Directions:Add one completely unnecessary shot of vodka to any drink.

TIM TEBOW

Directions: Fill a pint glass with vodka. Set aside for sterilization of circumcisions. Now pour glass of ice water and serve.

JOHN CALIPARI

Directions: Fill a champagne flute with champagne. Now vacate the champagne and sell the flute to the highest bidder.

LANE KIFFIN

Directions: Start making a martini. But quickly throw that out and make a margarita instead.

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Dec 272010
 

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

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Dec 222010
 

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

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Aug 262010
 

Some new golf terms to use when you’re out on the course…

A ‘Rock Hudson’ – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t.

A ‘Saddam Hussein’ – from one bunker into another.

A ‘Yasser Arafat’ – butt ugly and in the sand.

A ‘John Kennedy Jr.’ – didn’t quite make it over the water.

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