Tag Archives: Dad

SCHOOL — 1961 vs. 2011

Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1961 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1961 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1961 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1961 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2011 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse.  Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang..  State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.  Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1961 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2011 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1961 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2011 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher.   English banned from core curriculum.  Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1961 – Ants die.
2011 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with  domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1961 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2011 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Chicago Bear fans

A Chicago family of pro football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a Green Bay Packers #12 jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Packer fan and I would like this for Christmas.” His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go talk with mom.”

Off goes the little lad with the Green Bay Packer jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Aaron Rodger’s jersey for Christmas.” The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go see your father.”

Off he goes with the Green Bay Packer #12 jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Rodger’s jersey for Christmas”. The father is so outraged he, too, whacks his son on the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in that!”

About half hour later they’re all back in the car heading towards home. The father turns to the son and says, “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today.”

The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.”

“Good, son. What is it?”

The son replies, “I’ve only been a Packer fan for an hour and I already hate you Illinois bastards.”

T’was the night before Kwansa

t’was the night before kwansa and all through the crib,

Not a white man was lurking, all present were splib.

With mom out there hooking and dad in the slam,

I just settled down with some collards and ham.

The house was just freezin and covered with snow,

as my brother pulled up in a care he dun stole.

Grandma was boozin with stoli and jack,

while two brothers in the corner were smokin some crack.

When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,

A headache was forming from the old lady’s chatter.

His sleigh hit the roof, it came to a stop,

three more feet, a fifty foot drop.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,

I knew in a moment the fucker had fell.

He came out the fireplace, his beard full of ash.

He went through our pockets, he looded our cash.

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,

and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

The preacher was preaching and counting the dough,

one brother was bitchin and smackin his hoe.

They scarffed down some chicken, deep fried in some grease,

as leroy stood guard, one hand on his piece.

he flew off the roof and climbed out of sight,

he wished everyone a special good night.

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.


You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you…

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What would you do?


Democrat’s Answer:

  • Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
  • Does the man look poor or oppressed?
  • Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
  • Could we run away?
  • What does my wife think?
  • What about the kids?
  • Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
  • What does the law say about this situation?
  • Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
  • Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
  • Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
  • Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
  • If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
  • Should I call 9-1-1?
  • Why is this street so deserted?
  • We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
  • Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
  • I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
  • This is all so confusing!

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!


Southerner’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click

Daughter:Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son:Can I shoot the next one?!

Wife:You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist!’

Embarrasing photo

Poor kid is going to go his whole life with people making fun of this picture and the wet spot on his crotch. Not only will his brother and the rest of his extended family make fun of him but so will the entire Internet. 

Of course, the brother is not without shame here – I know porn queens that won’t spread their legs that far!

Also, I really hope that this was taken at a wedding and Mom was a bridesmaid – that dress is a one-use dress (I think I am safe – note the gifts in the background)! 

Also, Dad – did you really like the color of your hideous suit so much that you wanted Junior to be similarly humiliated?

I predict this whole family sees a therapist some day.

(Shout out to Awkward Family Photos where I found this image.)

Parent Job Description

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

  • Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
  • Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
  • Travel expenses not reimbursed.
  • Extensive courier duties also required.


RESPONSIBILITIES :

  • The rest of your life.
  • Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
  • Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
  • Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
  • Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
  • Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
  • Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
  • Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
  • Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
  • Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
  • Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

  • None.
  • Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you


PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

  • None required unfortunately.
  • On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

  • Get this! You pay them!
  • Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
  • A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
  • When you die, you give them whatever is left.
  • The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


BENEFITS :

  • While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.