I realize that this is more scary or frustrating than it is funny but it seems to fit a politically incorrect site.
Now that I think about it, there is nothing funny about this video.
Tag Archives: car
SCHOOL — 1961 vs. 2011
Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1961 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1961 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1961 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1961 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2011 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1961 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2011 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario:
Pedro fails high school English.
1961 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2011 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1961 – Ants die.
2011 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1961 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2011 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
You are a redneck if you own something like this
Redneck Harley
Redneck bass fishing boat
Continue reading You are a redneck if you own something like this
Chicago Bear fans
A Chicago family of pro football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a Green Bay Packers #12 jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Packer fan and I would like this for Christmas.” His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go talk with mom.”
Off goes the little lad with the Green Bay Packer jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Aaron Rodger’s jersey for Christmas.” The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go see your father.”
Off he goes with the Green Bay Packer #12 jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Rodger’s jersey for Christmas”. The father is so outraged he, too, whacks his son on the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in that!”
About half hour later they’re all back in the car heading towards home. The father turns to the son and says, “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today.”
The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.”
“Good, son. What is it?”
The son replies, “I’ve only been a Packer fan for an hour and I already hate you Illinois bastards.”
Calories burned during sex
The new year always brings many resolutions. Many of these resolutions include more exercise and losing weight. If this is your goal, hopefully the following information will assist you. But remember, if you don’t have a partner, you don’t need to worry because there are other options out there for you. For example, a custom sex doll if you should wish to invest in one.
The Act of Insertion
| If the man is ready (same vice-versa) |
1/4 calories |
| If the woman is not (same vice-versa) |
274 calories |
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
| Normal size |
22 calories |
| Oversize |
15 calories |
| Tremendous |
8 calories |
| Teensy-weensy |
163 calories |
Positions
| Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) |
20 calories |
| Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) |
25 calories |
| From the rear (Mysterious variation) |
40 1/2 calories |
| Standing: Both partners of equal height |
18 calories |
| Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man |
90 calories |
| While in traction (very useful during ski season) |
124 calories |
Locations
| On a bar stool |
20 calories |
| Rear of a Honda Civic |
38 calories |
| In a phone booth, standing |
14 calories |
| In a phone booth, lying down |
274 calories |
| On an airliner, aisle seat |
24 calories |
| On an airliner, middle seat |
42 calories |
| On an airliner, window seat |
30 calories |
| On an airliner, in the lavatory |
100 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
| Bouncing |
7 calories |
| Sliding around |
9 calories |
| Serious Skidding |
12 calories |
| Full cartwheel |
20 calories |
| Whiplash |
27 calories |
| Knee burn |
6 calories |
| Chafed elbows |
5 calories |
| Chafed nose |
11 calories |
Sex Related Noises
| Short gasps (per gasp) |
3 calories |
| Wheezing |
5 calories |
| Squeals |
4 calories |
| Ecstatic moaning |
11 calories |
| Low growling |
8 calories |
| Squishing |
10 calories |
| Shouting |
16 calories |
| Screaming |
18 calories |
| Urgent begging |
22 calories |
| Any short speech giving partner directions (“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.) |
25 calories |
Approaching Orgasm
| Letting go |
5.5 calories |
| Controlling yourself |
79 calories |
| Digging nails into your partner’s back |
11 calories |
| Trembling |
15 calories |
| Shaking |
20 calories |
| Shuddering |
25 calories |
| Trying to keep eyes open |
33 calories |
Orgasm
| Real |
27 calories |
| Faked |
160 calories |
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
| Expression didn’t change |
1/2 calorie |
| Face turned purple |
15 calories |
| Orchestra swelled |
6 calories |
| Magical explosions |
10 calories |
| Blazing Sheets |
25 calories |
| Earth moved |
30 calories |
| Vesuvius erupted |
47 calories |
| You began moaning in Latin |
60 calories |
Pulling Out
| After orgasm |
1/4 calorie |
| A few moments before orgasm |
500 calories |
Multiple Orgasms
For women:
| 2 |
14 calories |
| 5 |
30 calories |
| 8 |
47 calories |
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. Of course this could be a lot more if the positionings are correct, there’s been more calories burned and orgasms achieved when the female is strapped into a sex swing, providing the male was to choose a secure location to attach to. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
| 2 |
21 calories |
| 3 |
39 calories |
| 4 |
57 calories |
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)
Special Orgasms
| Clitoral |
15 calories |
| Vaginal |
21 calories |
| Penile |
21 calories |
| Scrotile |
15 calories |
| Rectal |
25 calories |
| Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) |
30 calories |
Premature Ejaculation*
| During insertion |
2 calories |
| During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) |
5 calories |
| During foreplay |
3 calories |
| Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) |
4 calories |
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv. It is thus advisable to consult a doctor for your condition, or scourge through online pharmacies like Menschem to buy sildenafil online, and attempt to treat it. Because, your partner’s pleasure does matter as much as yours!
For Women
| Frustration |
8 calories |
| Anger |
15 calories |
| Violent mood swing |
20 calories |
| Surpressing rage |
25 calories |
| Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.) |
65 calories |
For Men:
| Cursing |
10 calories |
| Apologising |
3 calories |
| Snivelling |
5 calories |
| Pleading for mercy |
8 calories |
| Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) |
15 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
| Swooning |
6 calories |
| Palpitations |
10 calories |
| Shortness of breath |
5 calories |
| Perspiring |
8 calories |
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
| A less-than-sunny desposition |
1 calorie |
Recovering
| Un-entwining |
3 calories |
| Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) |
7 calories |
| Standing up |
9 calories |
| Getting some juice |
11 calories |
Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
| After intercourse (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.) |
18 calories |
| During intercourse (Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) |
32 calories |
| During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) |
12 calories |
| Avoiding the wet spot |
80 calories |
Trying Again
| If the woman is ready |
5 calories |
| If the man is not |
156 calories |
Dreaming
| Regular dream |
2 calories |
| Wet Dream Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices |
16 calories |
| Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) |
20 calories |
Group Sex
| Introducing yourself |
3 calories |
| Overcoming shyness |
8 calories |
| Swapping partners, willingly |
4 calories |
| Swapping partners, unwillingly |
62 calories |
| Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) |
16 calories |
| Mixed doubles |
26 calories |
| Being nice to everyone |
100 calories |
| Anger (You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) |
10 calories |
| Finding your clothes |
5 calories |
Masturbation
|
For pleasure only |
6 calories |
| For exercise, too |
10 calories |
| For relief from tension |
12 calories |
| To pass the time |
7 calories |
| To avoid overeating |
16 calories |
| To get in touch with inner self |
10 calories |
| To get in touch with outter self |
10.5 calories |
| To avoid insanity |
24 calories |
| To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) |
9 calories |
| Using your hand(s) |
11 calories |
| Using your finger(s) |
9 calories |
| Using tweezers |
2 calories |
| Using an inflatable doll |
24 calories |
| Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) |
19 calories |
| Using a vibrator, hand-operated |
12 calories |
| Using a vibrator, windup |
9 calories |
| Using a vibrator, electric |
5 calories |
| Using anything not mentioned here |
50 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket |
2.5 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – finding isolated seat |
78 calories |
| In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat |
3 calories |
Typical Sex-Related Fears
| Partner hates me for what I did |
4 calories |
| Partner hates me for what I didn’t do |
8 calories |
| Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual |
10 calories |
| Climaxing too soon |
5 calories |
| Climaxing too late |
6 calories |
| Not climaxing |
20 calories |
| Partner thinks of me as a sex object |
9 calories |
| Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object |
47 calories |
| Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm |
88 calories |
Personal Fears
| Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm |
6 calories |
| Stretch marks that look like a plowed field |
8 calories |
| Penis envy |
72 calories |
| Body odor of a disgruntled yak |
25 calories |
Getting Caught
| By partner’s spouse |
60 calories |
| By your spouse |
60.5 calories |
| Trying to explain |
165 calories |
| Stuttering |
28 calories |
| Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) |
40 calories |
Almost Getting Caught
| Trying to remain calm |
100 calories |
| Fright (includes trembling) |
66 calories |
| Leaping out of bed |
25 calories |
| Getting dressed in one large motion |
300 calories |
| Thanking partner quickly |
2 calories |
| Jumping out of window (add 5 calories if window wasn’t open) |
15 calories |
| Landing |
1 calorie |
| Running very fast |
50 calories |
I found this at Off-Color Humor
You know you are a redneck
- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
- You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
- You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
- The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
- You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
- You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Hung the Christmas lights with care
The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks now.
They are up now, and for some reason she will not talk to me.
T’was the night before Kwansa
t’was the night before kwansa and all through the crib,
Not a white man was lurking, all present were splib.
With mom out there hooking and dad in the slam,
I just settled down with some collards and ham.
The house was just freezin and covered with snow,
as my brother pulled up in a care he dun stole.
Grandma was boozin with stoli and jack,
while two brothers in the corner were smokin some crack.
When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,
A headache was forming from the old lady’s chatter.
His sleigh hit the roof, it came to a stop,
three more feet, a fifty foot drop.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment the fucker had fell.
He came out the fireplace, his beard full of ash.
He went through our pockets, he looded our cash.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
The preacher was preaching and counting the dough,
one brother was bitchin and smackin his hoe.
They scarffed down some chicken, deep fried in some grease,
as leroy stood guard, one hand on his piece.
he flew off the roof and climbed out of sight,
he wished everyone a special good night.
Heat seeking missiles
Can you imagine this guy going 90 mph on his way to Dallas with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him?
Instructions for a fun time on the interstate……………
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive Fast
Step 3. Watch people freak out
A damn fine explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
And the husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
“I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
“So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
“Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
“Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
“I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
“I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?'”
Thank you to TheJoker for sending me this quickie joke!