Tag Archives: Redneck

Quickie, Redneck

Redneck saves a woman’s life

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Two rednecks walk into a restaurant. While having a bite they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly a women at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in distress.

One of the rednecks looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The women shakes her head no.

Then he asks “kin ya breathe?” The women begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The redneck walks over to the women, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The redneck walks slowly back to his table. His partner says “‘ya know, I’d heerd about that there hind lick maneuver… but I ain’t never seen nobody DO it!”

Quickie, Redneck

Sophisticated Minnesota man visits redneck bar in West Virginia

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A guy walks into a bar down in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Minnesota .”

The bartender says, “What do you do in Minnesota ?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”

“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”

Quickie, Redneck

Bar story

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A guy walks into a bar in Benton, Arkansas and orders a white wine.  All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain’t from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I’m from Canada …"

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says, "I’m a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It’s okay boys. He’s one of us."

Redneck

You know you are a redneck

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  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.  
  2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 
  3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  5. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
  6. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  7. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  10. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  11. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
  12. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
  13. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  14. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  16. You have a rag for a gas cap.
  17. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  18. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
  19. You can spit without opening your mouth.
  20. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  21. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  22. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
  23. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  24. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  25. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  26. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
  27. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
  28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
  29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.