Tag Archives: brother

T’was the night before Kwansa

t’was the night before kwansa and all through the crib,

Not a white man was lurking, all present were splib.

With mom out there hooking and dad in the slam,

I just settled down with some collards and ham.

The house was just freezin and covered with snow,

as my brother pulled up in a care he dun stole.

Grandma was boozin with stoli and jack,

while two brothers in the corner were smokin some crack.

When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,

A headache was forming from the old lady’s chatter.

His sleigh hit the roof, it came to a stop,

three more feet, a fifty foot drop.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,

I knew in a moment the fucker had fell.

He came out the fireplace, his beard full of ash.

He went through our pockets, he looded our cash.

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,

and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

The preacher was preaching and counting the dough,

one brother was bitchin and smackin his hoe.

They scarffed down some chicken, deep fried in some grease,

as leroy stood guard, one hand on his piece.

he flew off the roof and climbed out of sight,

he wished everyone a special good night.

Embarrasing photo

Poor kid is going to go his whole life with people making fun of this picture and the wet spot on his crotch. Not only will his brother and the rest of his extended family make fun of him but so will the entire Internet. 

Of course, the brother is not without shame here – I know porn queens that won’t spread their legs that far!

Also, I really hope that this was taken at a wedding and Mom was a bridesmaid – that dress is a one-use dress (I think I am safe – note the gifts in the background)! 

Also, Dad – did you really like the color of your hideous suit so much that you wanted Junior to be similarly humiliated?

I predict this whole family sees a therapist some day.

(Shout out to Awkward Family Photos where I found this image.)

The First Jewish President

The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, ‘So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’

‘I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’

‘Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’

‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?’

‘Oh Mom’ replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown made by the best designer in New York.’

‘Honey,’ Mom complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’

The President Elect replies, ‘Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.’

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on 20 January 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?’

The Senator whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’

Says Mom proudly, ‘Her brother’s a doctor.’