Tag Archives: sheep

A cowboy named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …

Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his smartphone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

Adult Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What’s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q What’s the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What’s the definition of ‘Macho’?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it’s worth it!


Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.


Q What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q.What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?

A. About three inches.


Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It’s not hard.


Q: What’s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.


Q: What’s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch!

EVER WONDER ……

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

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Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Sheep joke

With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.

“This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache,” he says.

The wife looks at him and replies, “That’s not a pig, it’s a sheep.”

He looks at his wife and answers, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

(Shout out to Beer Goggler where I found this joke)