Tag Archives: bed

T’was the night before Kwansa

t’was the night before kwansa and all through the crib,

Not a white man was lurking, all present were splib.

With mom out there hooking and dad in the slam,

I just settled down with some collards and ham.

The house was just freezin and covered with snow,

as my brother pulled up in a care he dun stole.

Grandma was boozin with stoli and jack,

while two brothers in the corner were smokin some crack.

When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,

A headache was forming from the old lady’s chatter.

His sleigh hit the roof, it came to a stop,

three more feet, a fifty foot drop.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,

I knew in a moment the fucker had fell.

He came out the fireplace, his beard full of ash.

He went through our pockets, he looded our cash.

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,

and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

The preacher was preaching and counting the dough,

one brother was bitchin and smackin his hoe.

They scarffed down some chicken, deep fried in some grease,

as leroy stood guard, one hand on his piece.

he flew off the roof and climbed out of sight,

he wished everyone a special good night.

A chance to offend almost everyone

I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’. I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power’


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn’t mean what I thought it did.


A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, “sorry about the wait”. I said, “don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually”.


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that”.


Top Tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation for casual sex … wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them … here’s how it goes “Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?”


Years ago it was suggested “that an apple a day kept the doctor away” … but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works
best!


I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Mexicans” was not the correct answer.

A damn fine explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”

And the husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

“I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

“So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

“Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

“Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

“I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

“I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?'”

Thank you to TheJoker for sending me this quickie joke!