A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.’
She replies:
Category Archives: Quickie
The Recession hits everybody…..
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Cookie crumbs
A Wall Street banker, corporate CEO, tea partier, and Wisconsin public school teacher are sitting at a table in a restaurant. A waiter brings a plate with a dozen cookies and sets it in the center of the table. The Wall Street banker grabs 6 cookies. The corporate CEO grabs the other 6 cookies. Then they turn to the tea partier and say, “Are you going to let that greedy teacher take your crumbs?”
All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don’t have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."
3 wishes for an illegal alien
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING !– he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" — and — PING !– in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" —and — PING ! — The man was transformed – wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed, "Where is my new house?"
The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."
Google Translate can predict the future
- Go to Google Translate
- Translate “will justin bieber ever hit puberty” from English to Vietnamese
- Copy the translation and translate it back into English
Neighbor is an immigrant
Your car is Japanese.
Your Vodka is Russian.
Your pizza is Italian.
Your kebab is Turkish.
Your democracy is Greek.
Your coffee is Brazilian.
Your movies are American.
Your Beers are German.
Your shirt is Indian.
Your oil is Saudi Arabian.
Your electronics are Chinese.
Your numbers -Arabic, your letters -Latin.
And you complain that your neighbor is an immigrant?
I wasn’t speeding!
A police officer stops a man on the highway. The man says “Did you stop me for speeding?”
The officer replies “Yes, I stopped you for speeding”
The man replies “Well I have a gun in my glove compartment, and have a dead body in my trunk”
The officer pulls back and calls for back up and waits. Minute’s later back up arrives. The second officer says “My partner says you had a dead body in the trunk and a gun is the glove compartment.”
So the cop checks the glove compartment, no gun. He checks the trunk, no body.
Officer 2 asks, “Do you have a gun?”
The man says, “No, sir.”
“Did you steal this car?”
“Nope.”
At last policeman 2 says, “My partner said you had a dead body and a gun.”
The guy replies, “I bet he said I was speeding too!!!”
Husband preferences
A wife asked her husband, “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, “Your sense of humor.”
Elephant remover
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Boy: I ripped it up and spread it across the playground.
Teacher: Why?
Boy: To keep away the elephants.
Teacher: What elephants?
Boy: See, it worked!