Tag Archives: golf

Ethnic, Sports

Shiny new robots don’t work

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A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.”

The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.”

The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, “I think my driver will do the job.”

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, “No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.” Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, “I think this green is gonna break left to right.” The robot then again spoke up and said, “No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left.”

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, “How was your game ?” The golfer stated, “It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.”

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, “I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.”

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, “Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.”

“COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible”

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Marriage, Men, Quickie

Pregnancy and golfing

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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it?
This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.

Marriage, Seasonal, Sports

Christmas golf

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A regular foursome was playing their weekly game of golf; one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off.”

The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third guy says “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning — intercourse or golf course –‘

She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

Images, Quickie, Women

Unusual Menu

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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00 

HAMBURGER: $10.00 

CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50 

HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Quickie, Sports

Tiger Woods plays Stevie Wonder in golf

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Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar…

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How ‘s the singing career going?”

Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How ‘s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I ‘ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I ‘ve got that right, now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Incredulous, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?”

Stevie says, “Yes, I ‘ve been playing for years.”

Tiger says, “But — you ‘re blind! How can you play golf if you can ‘t see?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

But, “How do you putt” asks Tiger.

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice.”

Tiger asks, “What ‘s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, actually — I ‘m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We ‘ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie replies, “Well, people don ‘t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”

Continue reading Tiger Woods plays Stevie Wonder in golf →

Quickie

An example of what happens

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf”.

Politics, Sports

New Federal Golf Rules

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Major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective January 20, 2013.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2012 pages) is being rewritten as we speak.

Here are a few of the changes:
Golfers with handicaps:

  • Below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
  • Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
  • Above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term “gimmie” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:

  • Handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
  • Handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
  • Handicaps above 18, if your ball is on the green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.

No private club can accept any more white male members until the club has a membership percentage equal to the general ethnic percentage of the US. Non-white or non-male members will not be charged a membership fee until such time as the club achieves equality.

All members at a private club must take golf lessons from an approved USGA professional. If a member cannot afford to pay for such lessons then the club will provide those lessons free of charge. The cost of the lessons will then be offset by additional dues from the more affluent members of the club. If golfers want additional practice then they may want to look into purchasing golfing software (find it here) to help them with their current skills.

Tee boxes will be changed to the following:

  1. female non-whites will the closest to the green and no more than 150 yards from the edge of the green.
  2. male non-whites will be the 2nd closest to the green and no more than 200 yards from the edge of the green.
  3. female whites will be in the same location as current but not closer than the above two tee boxes.
  4. white males will be located at the furthest location currently developed (commonly known as the ‘tips”) and no closer than the above 3.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again .

A hole-in-one shall be evenly distributed to all members of the foursome – the success of one player shall be the success of all players.

At any time, the person that has the worst score in the foursome can place their ball at the same place as the person with best score in the foursome without penalty.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term “net score” will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to “re-distribute” the success of winning by making sure that in all competitions every Player above an 18 handicap will post only “net score” against every other player’s “gross score”.

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.

Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility.

This is the “Right Thing To Do.”

So, please remember; if you shot a round of golf under par, you didn’t shoot it yourself. Someone else built that course, and someone else cut the grass so that you could play on it. Someone else built the clubs and the cart.

You need to share with everyone and anyone who made you a successful golfer.