Major rule changes in the game of will become effective January 20, 2013.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2012 pages) is being rewritten as we speak.

Here are a few of the changes:
Golfers with handicaps:

  • Below 10 will have their fees increased by 35%.
  • Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
  • Above 18 will get a $20 check each they play.

The term “gimmie” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows: Continue reading »

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A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.

‘I’m afraid I hit you with my ball,’ the golfer says.

‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’

‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’

And the golfer walks off.

‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic life.’

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ‘ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’

‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’

‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’

‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’

C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’

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A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems.

To which the caddy replies, “There’s a piece of shit on the end of your .”

The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says,

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The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"

She looked at the men in the room, "and gentlemen, remember – you’re in this together —it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her."

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is after .

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion … Marion "

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At dawn the telephone rings.
      "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country ."
      "Ah yes, Ernesto. What I do for you? Is there a problem?"
      "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your , he is dead".
      "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
      "Si, Senor, that’s the one."
      "Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
      "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
      "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
      "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead . "
      "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
      "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
      "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
      "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
      "Are you insane? What water cart?"
      "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
      "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, ?"
      "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
      "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
      "Yes, Senor Rod."
      "But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
      "For the funeral, Senor Rod."
      "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
      "Your ’s, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
 

 

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Verne was teeing off from the men’s tee.

On his downswing, he realized that his , Joy, was teeing up on the woman’s tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Verne got a call from the regarding her autopsy.
Coroner:  "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
 

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If you really want to get better at , go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

When your shot has to carry over a water , you either hit one more or two more balls.

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this , except one , an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for . It’s good to see you here . Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

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Obama has now appointed a Czar. Announcements were just made of major rule changes in the game of which will become effective March 2011. This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few basic changes:

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