For my son’s Birthday, we bought him an iPod.
For my daughter’s birthday, she got an iPhone
and for my birthday I was pleased to receive an iPad.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon – and then the fight started….
Category Archives: Family
Parenting failures
BBQ RULES
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion :
Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food and beer.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand .
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman .
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery .
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!
Daughter explains Facebook to Dad
Dad: I just don’t get why you kids use it so much.
Jessica: Dad, Facebook is all about social networking. I know this doesn’t make sense to you since you have like zero friends!
Dad: Your mother and I had the Busch’s over for dinner last night…
Jessica: Just come here and take a look. See, last week I added Jared Starnes-
Dad: That kid from your old grade school?
Jessica: Yep, exactly. You see, I haven’t talked to him in like years, but now we can…
*Jessica looks at the screen to find she isn’t allowed to view Jared’s pictures*
Jessica: Weird, it looks like he hasn’t been online to accept me yet.
Dad: It says he wrote that update thingy fifteen minutes ago, Jess.
Jessica: Hmm, must be a glitch in the system. One thing you’ll learn about Facebook is that it is super glitch! Alright, so anyway, I was just trying to prove the point that it helps you stay in touch with all types of friends. Dad, you know Samantha right?
Dad: The girl who comes around in those inappropriately short jean-shorts?
Jessica: No.
Dad: Then no…
Jessica: Well, see Facebook is how Samantha and I stay in touch between the times we see each other. Like, we can make wall-posts, or comment on each other’s photos, or …God damnit, Samantha! She freaking told me she would tell me the next time she went camping with Steve and Cody! I was the one who introduced her to them!
Dad: Who are Steve and Cody?
Jessica: No one! I’m just trying to show you that it helps you stay in touch with your friends! Whatever, I probably didn’t even want to go with them anyway.
*Jessica takes a deep breath and recollects herself*
Jessica: I’m just saying when you are young and have a lot of friends it can be a lot to handle. That’s why us popular kids need a way to keep in touch. Look, I have over 300 friends on-What the hell! 296!
*Jessica grabs the monitor and begins shaking it violently*
Jessica: I will find out who you deserters are, and you can better believe I won’t EVER like your stupid fallout boy quotes again!!!
Dad: I’m going to bed. Make sure to shut the windows before you go to sleep.
*The dad begins to walk up the stairs*
Jessica: Allison is on it.
*The footsteps going up the stairs come to a stop*
Dad: Short jean-shorts girl?
Jessica: Yep…
Dad: I’ll sign up tomorrow.
I originally found this on College Humor. My gut is that nearly every father of a teenage girl has had this same conversation.
Swagger Wagon Rap Video
Grandpa and grandson go fishing
An old man takes his grandson fishing one afternoon. After 15 minutes of fishing, ol’ grandpa takes out his flask of whiskey and starts drinking. His grandson asks, “Can I have some, Grandpa?”
“Can your dick touch your ass?” he replies.
“No.”
“Then you’re not old enough, sit down.”
Another 15 minutes pass and grandpa takes out his Camel and starts to puff away. His grandson asks “Can I have some of that, gramps?”
“Can your dick touch your ass?”
“No.”
“Then you’re not old enough, sit down.” Continue reading Grandpa and grandson go fishing
Husband has gone fishing
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. After they finish having sex, they cuddle for a few moments when the phone rings. Since they are in the woman’s house, she picks up the phone. Her lover watches and listens, hearing only her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says: “Hello? … Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… I am so happy for you… That sounds terrific… Thanks… OK, goodbye, Dear.” Continue reading Husband has gone fishing
Embarrasing photo
Poor kid is going to go his whole life with people making fun of this picture and the wet spot on his crotch. Not only will his brother and the rest of his extended family make fun of him but so will the entire Internet.
Of course, the brother is not without shame here – I know porn queens that won’t spread their legs that far!
Also, I really hope that this was taken at a wedding and Mom was a bridesmaid – that dress is a one-use dress (I think I am safe – note the gifts in the background)!
Also, Dad – did you really like the color of your hideous suit so much that you wanted Junior to be similarly humiliated?
I predict this whole family sees a therapist some day.
(Shout out to Awkward Family Photos where I found this image.)
Not happy about the costume
Thank you, Mom, for always knowing what’s best for us.
(Shout out to Awkward Family Photos where I found this image)
Qualify for the CIA
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”
(Shout out to Beer Goggler where I found this joke.)