Aug 292013
 
  1. Yes, your freshman AND Sophomore years count towards your GPA for college entrance. Screw it up and you’ll work for crap wages your whole life.
  2. No means NO. In every possible circumstance.
  3. Join every sport, every club, every after school activity no matter what the cost. It’s cheaper than bail.
  4. Repeat after me: I am never in that much of a hurry…I am never in that much of a hurry. Now say that every time you get behind the wheel. It will save your life and that of your best friend in the seat next to you.
  5. Don’t do drugs or drink – it is so not worth the trouble.
  6. Don’t get a credit card. You earn it or you live without it.
  7. If I yell at you, it’s because I love you. And also, because you pissed me off. To avoid the latter, don’t be an idiot. And don’t disappoint me. More importantly, yourself.
  8. Make a vivid picture inside your head of every great moment of your childhood. You’ll need those to get through adulthood.
  9. Make snow angels as often as possible. Make a bucket list. Check it off!
  10. Stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves.
  11. Be always benevolent. Yes, that’s a word. Look it up.
  12. Call me for a ride even if you are so drunk you barely know my number. I’ll probably be mad for a while but I’ll respect you for calling and I won’t kill you. Riding with someone who is drinking will. (PS – remember #5?)
  13. Be a leader, not a follower. Unless you are following the kid with the highest GPA and (s)he is going to a study group, then by all means be a follower!
  14. Love your siblings, even when you don’t like them. Some day you will be trying to get them to take care of me in my old age. If they are mad at you, you are stuck with me.
  15. I’ve been there, done that on more things than you can imagine. I’m not stupid and I know what you are doing. I was once you (times ten).
  16. Work hard at everything you do. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
  17. Cover it. (Enough said.)
  18. When I tell you to clean your room, do not point at my messy room and raise your eyebrows. I’m trying to raise you to be better than me.
  19. Learn to type; to budget; to spell correctly and to pray. All are equally important.
  20. Never be sedentary. Someday soon you will no longer be able to move like that. Enjoy it.
Aug 092013
 

A handful of 7 year old children were asked, ‘what they thought of beer.’

Tim- ‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.’

Melanie – ‘Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.’

Grady – ‘My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties.’

Toby – ‘My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’

Sarah – ‘My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.’

Lilly – ‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’

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Apr 102012
 
  1. Name something a blind person might use – A sword
  2. Name a song with moon in the title – Blue Suede Moon
  3. Name a bird with a long neck – Naomi Campbell
  4. Name an occupation where you need a torch – A burglar
  5. Name a dangerous race – The Arabs
  6. Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers – A horse
  7. Something you open other than a door – Your bowels
  8. A food that can be brown or white – Potato
  9. A jacket potato topping – Jam
  10. A famous Scotsman – Jock
  11. Something with a hole in it – Window
  12. A non living object with legs – Plant
  13. A domestic animal – Leopard
  14. A part of the body beginning with ‘N’ – Knee
  15. A way of cooking fish – Cod
  16. Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine – A bicycle with wings
  17. Name a famous bridge – The bridge over troubled waters
  18. Something a cat does – Goes to the toilet
  19. Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate
  20. Name an animal you might see at the zoo – A dog
  21. Something associated with the police – Pigs
  22. A sign of the zodiac – April
  23. Name something that floats in the bath – Water
  24. Name something you wear on the beach – A deckchair
  25. Name something Red – My cardigan
  26. Name a famous cowboy – Buck Rogers
  27. A number you have to memorize – 7
  28. Something you do before going to bed – Sleep
  29. Something you put on walls – Roofs
  30. Something in the garden that’s green – Shed
Feb 132012
 

As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘What in the world are you doing?’

The daughter replied: ‘Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’

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Mar 272011
 

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

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Mar 232011
 

I was eating lunch with my 12  year old grandson a month or so ago when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?" 

He said, "It’s President’s Day"

She asked, "What does that mean?"

…. I was waiting for something profound…

He said, "President’s Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."

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