Category Archives: Sports

Quickie, Religion, Sports

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don’t have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped  their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the  world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the  congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."

Politics, Sports

Obama’s new appointment

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Obama has now appointed a Golf Czar. Announcements were just made of major rule changes in the game of golf which will become effective March 2011. This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few basic changes:

  • Golfers with handicaps:
    • below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
    • between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
    • above 18 will get a $25 check each time they play.
  • The dollar amount placed in bets will be as follows:
    • for handicaps below 10, an additional $10.
    • between 11 and 18, no additional amount.
    • above 18, you will receive the total amount in the pot even if you do not play.
  • The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement." These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. They will be used as follows:
    • handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
    • handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
    • handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
  • In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par,can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.
  • The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term ‘net score’ will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to ‘redistribute’ the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only ‘net score’ against every other player’s gross score.

 

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with Ability

Quickie, Seasonal, Sports

Chicago Bear fans

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A Chicago family of pro football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a Green Bay Packers #12 jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Packer fan and I would like this for Christmas.” His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go talk with mom.”

Off goes the little lad with the Green Bay Packer jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Aaron Rodger’s jersey for Christmas.” The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go see your father.”

Off he goes with the Green Bay Packer #12 jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Rodger’s jersey for Christmas”. The father is so outraged he, too, whacks his son on the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in that!”

About half hour later they’re all back in the car heading towards home. The father turns to the son and says, “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today.”

The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.”

“Good, son. What is it?”

The son replies, “I’ve only been a Packer fan for an hour and I already hate you Illinois bastards.”

Marriage, Quickie, Sports

Golf compared to cheating on your wife

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Tempted to embark on yet another extra marital affair, Bill was absent-mindedly reviewing the situation to himself in the bar.

“Not worth it,” he muttered. “Never as good as you hoped.  Expensive. Drives the wife berserk.”

His friend, who happened to overhear his soliloquy leaned across. “Come now, old son. You know what to expect when you took up golf.”

Seasonal, Sports

Tiger’s night before Thanksgiving

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Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,

Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

Seasonal, Sports

Johnny before Christmas break

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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

Marriage, Men, Quickie, Sports, Women

Golfer at the dentist

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A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.

The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him.