Tag Archives: phone
Husband has gone fishing
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. After they finish having sex, they cuddle for a few moments when the phone rings. Since they are in the woman’s house, she picks up the phone. Her lover watches and listens, hearing only her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says: “Hello? … Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… I am so happy for you… That sounds terrific… Thanks… OK, goodbye, Dear.” Continue reading Husband has gone fishing
Dilbert on iPhone loss (theft?)
Dilbert is great. I love the humor. Typically, when I republish something from Dilbert, I use the embed tool that Scott Adams has on his site. It seems that since these strips will never be published in your local paper, there is no embed. Therefore, I am not doing this the official way. I sure hope Scott doesn’t sue me but do me a favor and jump over to his site and tell him how great these strips are!
Are politicians funny?
I don’t know if politicians are funny but at times they do funny things.
Barack Obama wants to show some of his personal brand of ObamaCare.
It is hard to catch a football with your eyes closed!
This is either a picture of the call when GW tells the troops to not invade Iraq or it is a picture of the call when the UN tells GW that there is no way Saddam has weapons of mass destruction.
I found these images at Oddee.com. There are about a dozen more – check it out!
Tiger Woods and the Newlyweds
A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about to consummate their marriage, when the bride says to her husband, “I have a confession to make… I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with another man.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age. Who’s the other guy?”
“Tiger Woods,” says the wife.
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yes.”
“Well, he’s rich and famous,” the husband says. “I can see why you went to bed with him.”
So the husband and wife proceed to make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
“I’m hungry,” the husband replies. “I’m going to call room service and get us something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” his wife shot back.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” the husband asks.
“He’d come back to bed and make love to me a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone, jumps back in bed, and the couple makes love a second time. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks over to the phone.
“Now what are you doing?” asks the wife.
“I’m still hungry, so I was going to call room service.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” the wife says again.
The husband slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish, the husband is tired and beat. He drags himself out of bed and over to the phone.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No, I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out the par for this damn hole!”
(Shout out to Web Funny where I found this)
Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% of us say we’re average-looking.
Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
(this list was found at Aha! Jokes)
Stupid Barack Obama joke
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished, the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so, Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished, the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, “Since Obama became the president of the USA ,the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”