Valentines Day advice: The secret to a successful relationship
Tag Archives: Marriage
Today is my 40th wedding anniversary
After being married for 40 years, I took a
careful look at my wife and said,
“Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a
junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now …. I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00
car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but
I’m sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she
would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on
a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know
how to solve an old guy’s problems.
Fourth marriage is the charm
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color
dress are you looking for?”
The bride to be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for
brides who are being married the first time – for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?”
“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I
can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or
not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we
were checking into our honey moon hotel. My second husband and I got into
such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we
had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.
“That one was a Democrat,” said the woman, “and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened.”
Which doctor to trust
ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE!
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That’s exactly what you said. So now it’s fifty years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said,
Still a virgin after all these years
A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "Exactly what style and color are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time – for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"He was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
50 years of wedded bliss
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’
‘I know,’ the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..’
‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relive some old times.’
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’
‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
Fishing buddies
Two men are out just quietly fishing & drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
“I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.”
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
“You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.”
Tiger Woods and the Newlyweds
A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about to consummate their marriage, when the bride says to her husband, “I have a confession to make… I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with another man.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age. Who’s the other guy?”
“Tiger Woods,” says the wife.
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yes.”
“Well, he’s rich and famous,” the husband says. “I can see why you went to bed with him.”
So the husband and wife proceed to make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
“I’m hungry,” the husband replies. “I’m going to call room service and get us something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” his wife shot back.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” the husband asks.
“He’d come back to bed and make love to me a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone, jumps back in bed, and the couple makes love a second time. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks over to the phone.
“Now what are you doing?” asks the wife.
“I’m still hungry, so I was going to call room service.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” the wife says again.
The husband slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish, the husband is tired and beat. He drags himself out of bed and over to the phone.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No, I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out the par for this damn hole!”
(Shout out to Web Funny where I found this)