Sep 142013
 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started……

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point..

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Dec 232011
 

What’s in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here’s what his pet name for you really means…..

  1. Darling — Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he’s probably done something wrong or wants money.
  2. Dear — Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
  3. Sweetheart — If it’s said patronizingly, it’s not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
  4. Babe — Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he’s a 70s throwback. He’s a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he’s got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
  5. Baby doll — This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn’t want you to grow up, and obviously can’t deal with real women.
  6. Princess — Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you’re being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings – they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
  7. Sexy — Fine if you’re sexy. If you’re not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
    My girlfriend — He’s honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he’ll be using your name!
  8. The wife — If you’re married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you’re not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
  9. My other half — You complete the set – he’s only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
  10. The missus — See The Wife.
  11. My partner — He’s right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
  12. My significant other — He’s even more right on. Probably thinks it’s cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
  13. She who must be obeyed — He thinks you’re a nag, but probably doesn’t lift a finger around the house.