Tag Archives: car

Cardiologist’s Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral…. I’m a gynecologist.’

The proctologist fainted.

Woman shot in the head

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

Are politicians funny?

I don’t know if politicians are funny but at times they do funny things.


Barack Obama wants to show some of his personal brand of ObamaCare.


It is hard to catch a football with your eyes closed!


This is either a picture of the call when GW tells the troops to not invade Iraq or it is a picture of the call when the UN tells GW that there is no way Saddam has weapons of mass destruction.

I found these images at Oddee.com.  There are about a dozen more – check it out!

Top Ten Signs Nancy Pelosi is Getting Cocky

  • 10. Greets every Republican with “Sup, loser”
  • 9. This summer, plans to take a George W. Bush 5-week vacation
  • 8. Called Treasury Department asking, “Who do I have to talk to get on the nickel?”
  • 7. Attended health care bill signing in old sweatpants and a pair of Uggs
  • 6. Changed her name to Oprah Pelosi
  • 5. Took a gavel to Mitt Romney’s hair
  • 4. Thinks under her tutelage, she can turn Tim Tebow into an NFL quarterback
  • 3. Ends every disagreement with, “If you’re so smart, how come you’re not Speaker of the House”?
  • 2. Referred to John McCain as “the distinguished jackass from Arizona”
  • 1. Seen exchanging sexy texts with Tiger Woods
  • Thank you to TheJoker for sending this to me.

    Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

    Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

    21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

    Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

    40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

    67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

    3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

    13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

    91% of us lie regularly.

    27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

    29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

    50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

    90% believe in divine retribution.

    10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

    82% believe in an afterlife.

    45% believe in ghosts.

    13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

    58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

    10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

    Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

    35% give to charity at least once a month.

    How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

    69% eat the cake before the frosting.

    When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

    85% of us will eat Spam this year.

    70% of us drink orange juice daily.

    Snickers is the most popular candy.

    22% of us skip lunch daily.

    9% of us skip breakfast daily.

    66% of us eat cereal regularly.

    22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

    14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

    Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

    45% use mouthwash every day.

    22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

    The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

    Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

    9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

    53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

    58% of women paint their nails regularly.

    33% of women lie about their weight.

    10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

    57% have had deja vu.

    49% believe in ESP.

    44% have broken a bone.

    Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

    14% have attended a self-help meeting.

    15% regularly go to a shrink.

    78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

    30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

    54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

    39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

    29% of us ignore RSVP.

    71.6% of us eavesdrop.

    22% are functionally illiterate.

    Less than 10% are trilingual.

    37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

    53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

    56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

    2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

    20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

    40% of us have had music lessons.

    44% reuse tinfoil.

    57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

    66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

    53% read their horoscopes regularly.

    16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

    59% of us say we’re average-looking.

    Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

    90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

    53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

    51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

    On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

    20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

    2 out of 5 have married their first love.

    The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

    Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

    1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

    6% propose over the phone.

    71% can drive a stick-shift car.

    45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

    2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

    1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

    12% of men never use their car blinkers.

    44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

    25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

    4 out of 5 sing in the car.

    (this list was found at Aha! Jokes)

    Only in America

    Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    **************

    Only in America…..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    **************

    Only in America…..do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    **************

    Only in America …….do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    **************

    Only in America………do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    **************

    Only in America…..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

    The New GM (Government Motors) Proudly Introduces The 2010 Obama!

    This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.It comes complete with two TelePrompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the “happy” owners.

    Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL

    It won’t get you to work, but not a problem, there aren’t any jobs anyway!

    Montana Bear Tragedy

    This is a very sad story about a bear.  Everybody should heed the warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore.
     
    This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country’s wildlife!  

    The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect  US wildlife  . . . .
     
     
       
    Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party….. as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.

    This photo is of a Democrat black bear in Montana nicknamed . .. .

    Bearack Obearma.

    You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when….

    1. You only know three spices – salt, pepper and ketchup.

    2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

    3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

    4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

    5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

    6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

    7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

    8. You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

    9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

    10. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

    11. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

    12. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

    13. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

    14. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

    15. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

    16. You head south to go to your cottage.

    17. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.

    18. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

    19. The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo – it’s sausage making.

    20. You find -40C a little chilly.

    21. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

    22. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

    23. You can play road hockey on skates.

    24. You know 4 seasons – Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

    25. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

    (This was originally found on Aha! Jokes)