Runaway Mower
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Mixed emotions
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.
The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said, “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick!”
Dilbert on Powerpoints
Jokes to offend everyone
Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call an Italian that has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver’s Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What’s the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the “F” word?
A. Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell “BINGO”.
Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins: “Once upon a time …. ” A southern fairytale begins: “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this ….”
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
A Jewish Story
An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath: two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000.00 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000.00 bank account.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?
The mother, who has remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and says, “You’ll fuck her again!”
Barack Obama bumper stickers
As with any President, the fake bumper stickers complain about what is done or not done. This is a small sampling of fake bumper stickers.
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life
1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Signed
Tiger Woods
Martha Stewart’s tips for rednecks
GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you..
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession
Finally, Guns don’t kill people…..Drivers with cellphones do.
USPS Announces Calvin and Hobbes, Garfield Postage Stamps!
The United States Postal Service has unveiled its 2010 Stamp Program, and among the new releases will be a collection called “Sunday Funnies,” a tribute to five of the most notable strips in comics history. Calvin and Hobbes and Garfield join Beetle Bailey, Dennis the Menace and Archie in the set, which is scheduled to go on sale in July.
The First Jewish President
The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, ‘So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’
‘I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’
‘Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.’
‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?’
‘Oh Mom’ replies Susan, ‘I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown made by the best designer in New York.’
‘Honey,’ Mom complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’
The President Elect replies, ‘Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.’
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on 20 January 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?’
The Senator whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’
Says Mom proudly, ‘Her brother’s a doctor.’