I continue to think that Dilbert works for my company.
Tag Archives: work
Dilbert: Company tracking you visiting this site
I know that many of you are visiting this site from your work computers. Don’t worry, your IT guys and your boss really don’t mind.
This post is NSFW
This was found at EatLiver.com
Tiger & the Pope
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
“However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”.
Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope.
“No problem” replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: “I am really anxious to get to Heaven”
Tiger: “Why is that?”
Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary”
Tiger: “You’re a day late.”
Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% of us say we’re average-looking.
Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
(this list was found at Aha! Jokes)
SEC workers like porn!
I couldn’t help laughing at this bit of news! I picked this up at Crossing Wall Street:
From the NYT: It seems that the Securities and Exchange Commission may have a pornography problem even bigger than expected.
Gawker reported that S.E.C. is investigating allegations and reports of rampant pornography viewing, surfing, sharing, and downloading by employees on their work computers.
From popular PornHub and Tube V to animated porn cartoons on 4Chan of all places! These employees apparently know where to find their fun, if only it wasn’t at the taxpayers’ expense!
Now we’ve obtained reports of 16 investigations into porn-surfing by SEC employees and contractors (one of them is a woman!), The
blog writes. This is including one man who said his daily porn viewing at work was limited to “no longer than an hour and a half a day.”
”
Call that limited!? What kind of superhuman can watch an hour and a half of porn every day and not exhaust themselves? All without his supervisor noticing as well? Is the supervisor also at their own desk watching PornSex or other naughty things? What a scoop! But it doesn’t end there, the article continues:
The sixteen cases reported by Gawker follows a February article by The Washington Times, which first reported details of the S.E.C.’s
internal investigation.In a semiannual report by the S.E.C.’s internal watchdog to Congress released in December, H. David Kotz, the S.E.C.’s inspector general outlines numerous cases of misconduct by former and current employees, including two instances of S.E.C. officials using their office computers to view pornography on the Internet.
Wow! Whenever you think of your supervisor yelling at you for peeking at Facebook, try not to get jealous of the S.E.C officials who had been getting away with watching porn long for who knows how long. Someone get these employees a relationship councellor.
The New GM (Government Motors) Proudly Introduces The 2010 Obama!
This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.It comes complete with two TelePrompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the “happy” owners.
Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL
It won’t get you to work, but not a problem, there aren’t any jobs anyway!
Jokes to offend everyone
Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call an Italian that has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver’s Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What’s the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the “F” word?
A. Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell “BINGO”.
Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins: “Once upon a time …. ” A southern fairytale begins: “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this ….”
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
Over worked mouse
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill were working in a factory. One day the supervisor approached Jill and said, “Jill, I’m afraid I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.”
Jill replied, “Well, you better jack off because I’m too tired.”