Category Archives: Marriage
Men strike back!
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with ‘A man once told me….’
Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
Q: Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
A: It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Husband has gone fishing
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. After they finish having sex, they cuddle for a few moments when the phone rings. Since they are in the woman’s house, she picks up the phone. Her lover watches and listens, hearing only her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says: “Hello? … Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… I am so happy for you… That sounds terrific… Thanks… OK, goodbye, Dear.” Continue reading Husband has gone fishing
World’s Shortest Books
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
by Tiger Woods
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson and Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ……
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK AND DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by the
Rev. Jesse Jackson
GREAT MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by George W. Bush
A GUIDE TO GUN SAFETY
by Dick Cheney
*******************************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
by Nancy Pelosi
Tiger Woods and the Newlyweds
A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about to consummate their marriage, when the bride says to her husband, “I have a confession to make… I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with another man.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age. Who’s the other guy?”
“Tiger Woods,” says the wife.
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yes.”
“Well, he’s rich and famous,” the husband says. “I can see why you went to bed with him.”
So the husband and wife proceed to make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
“I’m hungry,” the husband replies. “I’m going to call room service and get us something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” his wife shot back.
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” the husband asks.
“He’d come back to bed and make love to me a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone, jumps back in bed, and the couple makes love a second time. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks over to the phone.
“Now what are you doing?” asks the wife.
“I’m still hungry, so I was going to call room service.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that,” the wife says again.
The husband slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish, the husband is tired and beat. He drags himself out of bed and over to the phone.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No, I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out the par for this damn hole!”
(Shout out to Web Funny where I found this)
Qualify for the CIA
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”
(Shout out to Beer Goggler where I found this joke.)
Jewish humor
You may remember the old Jewish comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You’ve probably heard of them before, but don’t you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called, “Debbie Does Dishes.”
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favourite position
A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.
A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because; I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food in case you should call.”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband. “
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go
Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.
Facebook bloopers
Mixed emotions
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.
The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said, “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick!”
Sheep joke
With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.
“This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache,” he says.
The wife looks at him and replies, “That’s not a pig, it’s a sheep.”
He looks at his wife and answers, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
(Shout out to Beer Goggler where I found this joke)