Tag Archives: house

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

(This joke was originally found at CoolFunnyJokes.com)

Top Ten Signs Nancy Pelosi is Getting Cocky

  • 10. Greets every Republican with “Sup, loser”
  • 9. This summer, plans to take a George W. Bush 5-week vacation
  • 8. Called Treasury Department asking, “Who do I have to talk to get on the nickel?”
  • 7. Attended health care bill signing in old sweatpants and a pair of Uggs
  • 6. Changed her name to Oprah Pelosi
  • 5. Took a gavel to Mitt Romney’s hair
  • 4. Thinks under her tutelage, she can turn Tim Tebow into an NFL quarterback
  • 3. Ends every disagreement with, “If you’re so smart, how come you’re not Speaker of the House”?
  • 2. Referred to John McCain as “the distinguished jackass from Arizona”
  • 1. Seen exchanging sexy texts with Tiger Woods
  • Thank you to TheJoker for sending this to me.

    Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

    Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

    21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

    Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

    40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

    67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

    3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

    13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

    91% of us lie regularly.

    27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

    29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

    50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

    90% believe in divine retribution.

    10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

    82% believe in an afterlife.

    45% believe in ghosts.

    13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

    58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

    10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

    Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

    35% give to charity at least once a month.

    How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

    69% eat the cake before the frosting.

    When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

    85% of us will eat Spam this year.

    70% of us drink orange juice daily.

    Snickers is the most popular candy.

    22% of us skip lunch daily.

    9% of us skip breakfast daily.

    66% of us eat cereal regularly.

    22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

    14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

    Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

    45% use mouthwash every day.

    22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

    The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

    Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

    9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

    53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

    58% of women paint their nails regularly.

    33% of women lie about their weight.

    10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

    57% have had deja vu.

    49% believe in ESP.

    44% have broken a bone.

    Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

    14% have attended a self-help meeting.

    15% regularly go to a shrink.

    78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

    30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

    54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

    39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

    29% of us ignore RSVP.

    71.6% of us eavesdrop.

    22% are functionally illiterate.

    Less than 10% are trilingual.

    37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

    53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

    56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

    2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

    20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

    40% of us have had music lessons.

    44% reuse tinfoil.

    57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

    66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

    53% read their horoscopes regularly.

    16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

    59% of us say we’re average-looking.

    Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

    90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

    53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

    51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

    On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

    20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

    2 out of 5 have married their first love.

    The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

    Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

    1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

    6% propose over the phone.

    71% can drive a stick-shift car.

    45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

    2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

    1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

    12% of men never use their car blinkers.

    44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

    25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

    4 out of 5 sing in the car.

    (this list was found at Aha! Jokes)

    You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when….

    1. You only know three spices – salt, pepper and ketchup.

    2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

    3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

    4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

    5. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

    6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

    7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

    8. You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

    9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

    10. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

    11. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

    12. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

    13. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

    14. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

    15. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

    16. You head south to go to your cottage.

    17. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.

    18. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

    19. The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo – it’s sausage making.

    20. You find -40C a little chilly.

    21. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

    22. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

    23. You can play road hockey on skates.

    24. You know 4 seasons – Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

    25. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

    (This was originally found on Aha! Jokes)

    A Jewish Story

    An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

    Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

    Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath: two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000.00 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000.00 bank account.

    However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?

    The mother, who has remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and says, “You’ll fuck her again!”