Category Archives: Seasonal

Images, Seasonal

Happy 4th of July

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I hope that you will be able to enjoy celebrating the birthday of the greatest country ever to exist. Without the liberties that are enjoyed in this country, this site would not exist. A totalitarian government that was common at the birth of the United States of America would not allow a site that pokes fun at both genders, every ethnicity and the government itself. While the editors of this site respect the rights of all people everywhere, we feel that everyone needs to laugh a bit – even if it is at yourself.  We are proud to be Americans!

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Quickie, Seasonal

8 signs that you are sick of Christmas

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8. You’ve got red and green bags under your eyes

7. You’re serving reindeer pot pie

6. When you hear, “Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’?,” you scream, “No! I’m not listening!”

5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun

4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

3. Instead of spending time with family, you’re watching some guy make photo copies

2. You’ve got eggnog coming out of your ears

1. Two words: tinsel rash

Quickie, Religion, Sarcasm, Seasonal

A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

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This just in from News Service:

A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both organizations. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Twenty Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. Both organizations hailed this as a win-win.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

Quickie, Seasonal, Sports

Chicago Bear fans

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A Chicago family of pro football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a Green Bay Packers #12 jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Packer fan and I would like this for Christmas.” His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go talk with mom.”

Off goes the little lad with the Green Bay Packer jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Aaron Rodger’s jersey for Christmas.” The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him on the head and says, “Go see your father.”

Off he goes with the Green Bay Packer #12 jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes, son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Packer fan, and I would like this Rodger’s jersey for Christmas”. The father is so outraged he, too, whacks his son on the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in that!”

About half hour later they’re all back in the car heading towards home. The father turns to the son and says, “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today.”

The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.”

“Good, son. What is it?”

The son replies, “I’ve only been a Packer fan for an hour and I already hate you Illinois bastards.”

Seasonal, Sports

Tiger’s night before Thanksgiving

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Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,

Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

Sarcasm, Seasonal

Short on cash this Christmas

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My dear friends and family,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, I’m not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You’ll most likely agree that it’s a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I’ve included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

  • You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
  • Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
  • The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
  • Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
  • Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:

  • Soft and Hygienic
  • Non-slip grip strips on the soles * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
  • No more bending over to mop up spills
  • Disposable and biodegradable
  • Environmentally safe
  • Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags..

I’ve attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself….
Awaiting your response. It’s crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

 

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Seasonal, Sports

Johnny before Christmas break

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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”