Category Archives: Quickie

Men, Quickie, Redneck

Redneck pickup lines

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1) Did you fart? …cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? …..cuz ya’ll sure are special.

3) My love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can’t hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? …cuz I’d like to check you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? …cuz I can see myself in ’em.

6) You might not be the best lookin’ girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.

7) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Let me know if you are able to use these and if they are effective.

Quickie, Religion

Preacher: Don’t do what I say

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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’

The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’

The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’

The preacher said, ‘No shit?’

Men, Quickie

American tourist in Holland

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A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’ She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’

A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!

Ethnic, Men, Quickie, Redneck

Sensitive rednecks

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Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, ‘Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’ Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, ‘Where did you get that beer, Donnie?’

‘Cooter’s wife gave it to me,’ Ronnie replies.

‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?’

‘Well, not exactly’, Donnie says. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “you must be Cooter’s widow.”
She said, ‘You must be mistaken.. I’m not a widow.’ Then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are..’

Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.

Family, Marriage, Men, Quickie, Women

BBQ RULES

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When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion :

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food and beer.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand .
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman .

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery .
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!

Marriage, Men, Quickie, Women

Adult Riddles

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Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What’s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q What’s the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What’s the definition of ‘Macho’?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it’s worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?

A. About three inches.

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It’s not hard.

Q: What’s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

Q: What’s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch!

Blonde, Ethnic, Quickie

Canadian blondes

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Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”

St. Peter said, “No,” and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.”

St. Peter said, “No,” and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and he died. Then they buried Him in atomb behind a very large boulder…”

St. Peter said, “Very good.”

Then the blonde continued, “Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey.”

I found this over at BeerGoggler.

Ethnic, Quickie, Religion, Women

Polish women mean business

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An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

“Back off!” she said. “Those are for the funeral.”

Quickie

Are you getting old?

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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a nursing home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” the doctor replied. “A normal person would pull the plug in the drain. So would you like a bed near the window?”

I found this joke at Web-Funny.

Marriage, Men, Quickie, Sports, Women

Golfer at the dentist

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A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.

The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him.