Category Archives: Quickie

Loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: ‘Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!’

His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.’

Annual checkup

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up…

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”

“One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun…. As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.”

“He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went ‘bang, bang’….

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

World’s Shortest Books

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama


MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS

by Tiger Woods


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore


MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson and Rev Al Sharpton


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton


Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton


THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates


THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman


THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry


AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J. Kevorkian


TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ……

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell


GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson


THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY


MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson


HOW TO DRINK AND DRIVE SAFELY

by Ted Kennedy


MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction

by the

Rev. Jesse Jackson


GREAT MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by George W. Bush


A GUIDE TO GUN SAFETY

by Dick Cheney

*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy

by Nancy Pelosi

Tiger & the Pope

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

“However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”.

Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope.

“No problem” replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: “I am really anxious to get to Heaven”

Tiger: “Why is that?”

Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary”

Tiger: “You’re a day late.”

Great April Fools pranks

Rather than tell a joke, show a video or display an image, I think it is fitting on this day of humor to point out some of the best practical jokes of all time.  I found these at the Museum of Hoaxes.  They have many more so please click through and have a laugh.

#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
spaghetti harvest1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”

#4: The Taco Liberty Bell
Taco Liberty Bell1996: The Taco Bell Corporation announced it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

#6: Nixon for President
1992: National Public Radio’s Talk of the Nation program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for President again. His new campaign slogan was, “I didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t do it again.” Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech. Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement, flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage. Only during the second half of the show did the host John Hockenberry reveal that the announcement was a practical joke. Nixon’s voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.

#10: Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
1976: The British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth’s own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.

Are computers male or female

Why computers may be female:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Why computers may be male:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

(Shout out to Dev Topics where I found this joke.)

Qualify for the CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

(Shout out to Beer Goggler where I found this joke.)

ObamaCare is replaced by Macaroni

I use the email program Thunderbird for my personal email. I also use ScribeFire embedded in Firefox to create posts on this site.  When you write ObamaCare in either program, it is flagged as a misspelling.  The suggested alternative is Macaroni.  I think that is fitting.

Yankee Doodle

Yankee Doodle went to town,
A-Riding on a pony;
He stuck a feather in his cap,
And called it macaroni.

Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we’re average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.

(this list was found at Aha! Jokes)