Regardless of your politics this is funny.
Thanks to Timm for send me this image about Obama’s package.
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Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring’s homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% of us say we’re average-looking.
Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
(this list was found at Aha! Jokes)
SEC workers like porn!
I couldn’t help laughing at this bit of news! I picked this up at Crossing Wall Street:
From the NYT: It seems that the Securities and Exchange Commission may have a pornography problem even bigger than expected.
Gawker reported that S.E.C. is investigating allegations and reports of rampant pornography viewing, surfing, sharing, and downloading by employees on their work computers.
From popular PornHub and Tube V to animated porn cartoons on 4Chan of all places! These employees apparently know where to find their fun, if only it wasn’t at the taxpayers’ expense!
Now we’ve obtained reports of 16 investigations into porn-surfing by SEC employees and contractors (one of them is a woman!), The
blog writes. This is including one man who said his daily porn viewing at work was limited to “no longer than an hour and a half a day.”
”
Call that limited!? What kind of superhuman can watch an hour and a half of porn every day and not exhaust themselves? All without his supervisor noticing as well? Is the supervisor also at their own desk watching PornSex or other naughty things? What a scoop! But it doesn’t end there, the article continues:
The sixteen cases reported by Gawker follows a February article by The Washington Times, which first reported details of the S.E.C.’s
internal investigation.In a semiannual report by the S.E.C.’s internal watchdog to Congress released in December, H. David Kotz, the S.E.C.’s inspector general outlines numerous cases of misconduct by former and current employees, including two instances of S.E.C. officials using their office computers to view pornography on the Internet.
Wow! Whenever you think of your supervisor yelling at you for peeking at Facebook, try not to get jealous of the S.E.C officials who had been getting away with watching porn long for who knows how long. Someone get these employees a relationship councellor.
Jewish humor
You may remember the old Jewish comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You’ve probably heard of them before, but don’t you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called, “Debbie Does Dishes.”
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favourite position
A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.
A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because; I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food in case you should call.”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband. “
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go
Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.
Dear Apple
Only in America
Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
**************
Only in America…..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
**************
Only in America…..do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
**************
Only in America …….do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
**************
Only in America………do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
**************
Only in America…..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
The New GM (Government Motors) Proudly Introduces The 2010 Obama!
This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.It comes complete with two TelePrompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the “happy” owners.
Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL
It won’t get you to work, but not a problem, there aren’t any jobs anyway!
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
So they got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
They’re such asses…
The evolution of Apple introductions
Favoritism – it exists everywhere
This image was found at EatLiver.com